Misunderstood

Geez Louise.  It's been so long since I've been on here I could hardly remember my password. 




















But alas, here I am needing to write.  Today marks one month that we've been open as an emergency foster home and have parenting 6 kids.  And well, I feel misunderstood.  I want to say certain things to people who ask, but then I think again and wonder what my words might sound like...so I don't.  I am wondering if this is a safe place to just get er done.  Get this all off my chest and not worry about what Joe Shmoe might think.  Thing is, the guy I am really living for already knows my thoughts before I utter a single word.  But I really want to honor Him with my life, and my mouth (and this silly blog).  So only read on if you can brace yourself for some honesty...

Truth is, this sucks.  It's harder than I ever imagined.  And yes, everyone warned me/us.  But truth is that I knew if I thought through it too long I wouldn't trust God that we were really supposed to do something like this.  Blake and I lay in bed at night wanting to scream "UNCLE!!!!!  We are done!  Can we please go back to our normal comfortable/overwhelmed with 4 small kids life?"  And as we wrestle with that idea I can't help but hear God say to me not to treasure my life here.  I feel like He keeps telling me that I have been way too comfortable for way too long.  I think of all of the kids in this world without parents or sleeping in a shelter/orphanage.  I think about our Tulsa county shelter that continues.to.be.over.capacity.  And then into my head pops that staggering statistic that 7:1 we've got this covered.  There are 160+million orphans worldwide, and conservatively 7 believers per every orphan.  Really?  That's disgusting!  We have made every excuse in the world not to obey His commands in the Bible to take care of the orphan...every excuse.  Not me, not now, we'll tithe, we'll support Compassion, but we just can't do that.  Surely He doesn't want me to be this uncomfortable?  Or wait.  Surely He doesn't want MILLIONS of His children as orphans or stuck in a system.  Maybe this is the cross He wanted us to take up?

So now you know my fear in talking about how hard this is.  I am currently begging people to join me in this journey, and at the same time literally desperate for Jesus to help me go on.  I have never needed Him so much.  I have never prayed this much in my life.  So then I think, well maybe this is right where I was meant to be all along, continuously seeking Him.  I feel like I was there after children 2 & 3...I mean, honestly I think any parent needs Jesus to be worth anything, but certainly when you outnumber yourself.  Then we add #4, then 5 & 6 and I can't quit singing "I need thee oh I need thee, every hour I need thee!"  Or Blake and I will take deep breathes and giggle out the words "I surrender all to Jesus, all to Him I freely give." 

Eeeek!  We got to see Mama Mandy and be encouraged by her and her precious girls.  So blessed to call them our family!









And some people look at me like, "Well just stop."  I don't feel like I have the choice.  I love Him, I gave Him my life.  He commanded we not turn our eyes and look the other direction from orphans.  And yet I did that comfortably for 33 years.  As I toy with the idea of jumping ship, scripture that I never knew I knew jumps into my head, snippets from all the books I read this past year beg me to keep pushing, and friends and family step up next to us and carry us to another day.  We've had said people just randomly give us meals, FREE babysitting, my parents arranged childcare at the church (I cried big fat tears), and our kids have said some of the sweetest things to remind us why we are here.  Please click on and read the text from Jen Hatmaker's book 7.  Another day that was incredibly rough, my friend text me this picture that she had just read.  And I just lost it.  I don't want to be Pollyanna either. 

Kiddie post & plea

 So if anyone is reading at all you've caught on that I have been horrible at posting about these sweet lil lovies these past few months.  So I wanted to give some updates on them!!!  They are the whole reason I started blogging in the first place :/   Here is Sadie this summer being her crazy self...she is SO strong and can do the monkey bars all by herself.  She has some serious upper body muscles.  She is FAST and can nearly out run me.  She is constantly smiling and giggling and mothering.  She loves everything and will make it her baby to love on and take care of.  She talks to babies, grown adults, dogs, bugs, balls, dolls, etc like they are her very best friend.  Its super sweet most times, but awfully scary when she grabs adult men by the hands to play with her.  Perhaps we need to cover stranger danger again! 

 Owen is an incredible young man.  He is a wonderful leader at school and a huge help to his teacher.  He is very active and loves playing basketball, riding scooters, playing football, soccer, golf and tennis.  He is sure having fun with a backyard, we missed that when living in an apartment last year.  He loves to read and often stays up with a flashlight reading past his bedtime.  He too is a fast runner, but it's not his favorite thing to do.  He is a great listener, master negotiator, & is sensitive to others needs.  Tonight as I walked in to scratch the boys backs Owen started singing a song we had sung in church...but he never sings during praise so I didn't know he was listening...he sung it perfectly pausing just as the song is written, "My heart will si-ing...no other na-ame...Jesus...Jesus" over and over.  Oh love, there couldn't be a sweeter sound for a mama to hear, and even more so for our Father to hear!  This year he turned 7!  I don't know how we have a 7 year old!

 Emery, who we usually call Emme, is at such a fun age...most of the time.  She is particularly frustrated when everyone else has someone to pick on and she does not :(  So we are working on talking about our frustrations rather than hitting them out.  Whoops.  Her favorite things to say right now are: I gonna tewl mommy!, I no wan to, I tootie, No Sadie pfthtttt (we have a minor spitting problem), Aw we goin?, Aw da guys? and I do it!!!!!  She still loves to cuddle, is left handed and is our best sleeper!  She is TALL and skinny.  Most people mistake her for being 3 and older, and she just turned 2.5 this month!  She talks really well, still loves to sing and knows a lot of songs and she loves to pray, even for large groups of people.  Be still my heart!

 Cooper!  Coop turned 6 in November and got a bouncy house of all things.  Have you ever checked out purchasing one of those boogers instead of buying one?  No?  You should.  Google it!  We just had a few grands chip in and vwa-la, we got to keep the dang thing UNTIL IT POPS!!!  It has been endless fun and can hold up to 500 lbs so that means that occasionally we have a mom that hops in and plays monster tickler.  Fun times.  It's even more fun when you have no furniture and can inflate it in room and just leave it out during the winter.  Cooper is another blessing of a kid.  He is bursting with passion, compassion, ambition, skills (he has wonderful penmanship as well as one heck of an arm) and love.  He often comes home from school and has drawn pictures of the crucifixion and resurrection during his brain break at school.  Just like with everyone of our kids, I cannot wait to see how this guy follows God through life. 

 One thing I have hesitated to share about our Sadie is that we have "lost" her birth mom.  I haven't wanted to share it for several reasons.  First, so many people don't get open adoption and quite frankly don't need another reason to not understand it.  Second, so many people don't try and understand birth parents, and I don't want people to judge these precious precious family members.  They are our family, so please understand how intimate and personal we hold them in our hearts.  But it's been nearly 2 years since we've seen Gerlisha, and we miss her terribly.  Sadie prays for her daily.  She cries for her.  She draws pictures of her.  She is only 4, so I am not sure what memories she has or if its just because we talk about her so much and tell her stories and look at pictures.  Whatever it is, it's real and it's painful.  I know adoption is layered and bittersweet, and we have been educated and counseled on how to walk through this with our loves.  I don't know where I would be without our adoption agency and their support.  But they don't know where she is either.  So this is me asking for prayer and only prayer.  Please do not judge our choices or Gerlisha's.  My hope is that she might follow the blog and see how desperately we need her, and that's why I am finally sharing this.  I am so thankful that I ALWAYS take pictures when we see our first families because we never want to take a day for granted. 

 Emery right before turning 2

 Cooper found a worm...he is such a boy loving dirt and bugs and all things boy!

 Priceless picture of me telling Owen thank you for smiling for the pictures...he HATES taking pictures so we bribed the kids with QT if they smiled!

 The girls had pajama day at school and watched Polar Express

 Owen's holiday party at school!  We had so much fun at his party and stole the idea to MOB the Neighborhood with love and give the holiday away.  It was cheap and helped the kids focus on OTHERS during the holiday instead of giving them a bunch of silly dinky knick-knacks.

 This was the girls party at school, even though we don't do Santa they got a kick out of seeing our pastor dress up and read a story. 

 Cooper's class party.  Isn't he such a handsome stud with that too cool smile? 

 I think since we never talk about Santa she was fascinated with him.  Ha!

Emery was just excited to get herself some candy!  This girl LOVES sweets! 

I Cannot

I cannot keep my house clean...but I still try.

I cannot be the best wife ever, but I believe I am the best for Blake.  And dang...how I love and adore that man.

I cannot possibly be the mother my kids need me to be 100% of the time, but I do believe in a God who reaches across that gap and uses me just.how.I.am.

I believe in Phil 4:13 in a deeper way than I ever have before.  When I gave my heart to Jesus, HE MAKES ME ABLE.  When I daily rely on Him, He uses me just as I am.  Because I have nothing more than any other human being to bring to the table without Him. 

And I believe He has used these books to awaken my heart, to strengthen my walk with Him...to open my eyes to so much that I have chosen not to see.  I have known for years that God was asking us to do something with foster care, but we couldn't figure out what.  And its been through these books, that we have been challenged to see that we won't necessarily feel "a calling" to one certain thing.  That we may not feel "peace" about what God has put before us.  But He still asks us to do it.  He commands us to, in fact.  We don't need to have all the details worked out before we say YES.  We don't need to be able before stepping up.  Phil 4:13 says He makes us able.  He just wants us to come to Him and lay down our lives, our plans, our dreams, and know that He is worth it all.

These books have made me question so many things, and taken me to places of freedom in Christ that I have yearned for.  I have never felt so free in Him.  I am so thankful for where I am today, and I am more thankful for my precious husband than I think I have ever been.

But I also feel so much conflict with the world around me.  I see loads of Halloween candy and my heart breaks knowing how that candy got to our shelves in the grocery store.  Please, I beg you, read about forced child labor and slave labor regarding cocoa beans and every major American chocolate company that purchases these cocoa beans is full aware.  Please do not buy chocolate this Halloween!!!

I feel conflict with how much money is spent frivolously while so much of the world is dying of starvation.  I can't get past 26,000 dying daily from lack of food.  But I have peace in knowing that Blake and I can make choices to live differently, I just wish it didn't come with so much uproar from the world around us.  We are the weird parents.  I just pray they don't hate us for it, but rather know Jesus deeper because of it.

Last weekend I sat in church with a new lovie on my lap from the shelter.  She didn't want to leave me for big church, so her 6 year old self got right on my lap to take it in.  And.I.wept.  I cried out to Jesus during worship knowing He fully understands her precious situation, and why she is hurting...while I do not, I am the one physically holding her, kissing her, and begging for comfort thru Him for her.  Both her and her little sister ached for their mama all weekend, and I cried with them telling them I am so sorry that she is not here.  Taking them back to the shelter was enough to break me...her little body clung to me like a spider monkey and she bawled asking me not to leave her.  Two workers had to peel her off of me. 

As you might imagine, we've applied to be an emergency foster home through Child Share Circle of Care here in Tulsa.  Emergency is different than traditional foster care in that it is short term placement so that younger (birth-5 years) do not go to the shelter before finding long term foster placements.  I can't explain the rest this step has brought to my soul.  As overwhelmed as we are with 4 children, we still feel like God is asking us to trust Him and do this. 

This was done for a local church (our friends church) in plea for the church to step up and take this problem head on...


They are His Children from New Beginnings Church on Vimeo.

I cannot sit back any longer and wait for another day.  We are only promised today.  There will never be better timing.  There will always be something else....but I cannot sit still any longer.

Simma Down

Did you ever see that SNL skit Simma Down Now? 

I feel like I need to settle down from all this wrestling going on in my heart.  It's intense in there.  And honestly, it's painful.  I don't want to hurt like this.  I feel actual physical ache in my heart for the facts that I have read about poverty, starvation, and the blind eye I have turned to this.  And then I remember that allowing a return of comfort would only be going back to where I was.  There is a reason God has stirred my heart.  I need to make changes.  To only feel guilty about this culture and go on with life is useless.  And to only speak about it, or the books, and change nothing is also sinful.  It is now blatantly obvious to me God has called us to something different. 

I am desperate for Jesus to work through me.  To use all of me.  And I am sad to say I have always held parts of me from Him.  Several of these books opened my eyes to that fact.  And in that truth, it brought me freedom that I have never felt to actually give Him every part of myself...just like He asked.  I have begun to really grab hold of the fact that this IS my responsibility.  The fact that 26,000 children die from starvation or preventable disease everyday makes my stomach turn.  It's horrific. 

"So when you and I hear staggering numbers and statistics about the poor and needy around us and around the world, we have a choice.  We can switch the channels on our mega-TVs and continue our comfortable, untroubled, ordinary, churchgoing lives as if the global poor don't exist.  We can let these numbers remain cold, distant, and almost imaginary.  Or we can open our eyes and our lives to the realities that surround us and begin considering the faces that are represented by these numbers....We can stand with the starving or with the overfed.  We can embrace Jesus while we give away our wealth, or we can walk away from Jesus while we hoard our wealth." David Platt, Radical

God just keeps speaking so clearly to me that I have become way too comfortable in my life.  That I can give Him all of me and I can completely trust my children, my marriage and my heart to Him. 

 Singing and dancing "If You're Happy and You Know It!"  She LOVES to sing!!

 Sister couldn't go to sleep one night and she got to snuggle with daddy and watch football.  Shhhh, don't tell her bigs!

 Happy 7th birthday OWEN!!!

 Story time before bed...they are so sweet to always smile for the camera!  This too shall pass!

 Happy 4th birthday Sadie!  She chose the Hello Kitty donut!

 That sweet chocolate skin doesn't hide any goodies we eat!  She loved the flower donut though ;)

So what does that change look like?  How does that unfold for each of us?  Certainly it will be different for all of us, so I won't stand up here like a dingbat and say we all need to do this or that. 

It's frustrating to see that we save, hoard and bicker about how much is enough to give when we know that people are dying every minute around the world. Jen Hatmaker's book 7 helped me to see how easily global hunger could be eliminated if we cared more about this than dog food, or perfume. Seriously!?!? We spend more on those than ending hunger.

I am excited to see all that is to come for us.  I am amazed that I feel acutely aware now about what true needs are and all that we live with that our culture says is a need.  It's embarrassing really.  God has called us to store up our treasures in heaven, not on earth...this is a battle, a war to not get caught up in the current.  Deep breath...  Is this the narrow road He meant?   I think so sister. 

Stir Crazy

I have been neglecting this little blog thing here.  But for good reason. 

God has moved something awful crazy in my heart.  My family thinks I need help. 

I am not a reader.  I rarely take the time to read anything, and sadly even reading the Bible had become blah.  (horribly sad to admit because of my deep love for Jesus). 

One of the more influential women in my life (Jen Hatmaker) wrote a couple of books.  And I had to read them because I love her and trust her. 

Well then that led to me finishing a book in 3 days which is UNHEARD of for me.  I usually get the the very end and then quit.  Wha?

So from June-now I have not been able to stop the constant reading.  She mentioned several books and other friends did too.  I am hungry again for words from Jesus, even if it takes these authors hitting me over the head with the reality that I have been ignoring some pretty big things. 

Here they are.  If you are needing a good read and are ready for something serious to happen in your heart, you cannot miss these. 

Radical- David Platt
Crazy Love-Francis Chan
Kisses from Katie-Katie Davis
Interrupted-Jen Hatmaker
7- Jen Hatmaker

I cannot think straight I am so conflicted with our life in America and the needs of those around us.  How did I become so comfortable with this?  How did I not see so many suffering and truly believe they are my responsibility?  How did I miss that in the Bible? 

I am ashamed.  I am disgusted.  I am achy.  I am stir crazy for wanting to DO SOMETHING.  And poor Blake has known all along that I am odd, but now I want to be really weird and actually do what Jesus asked us to do...lay down my life for Him. 

In the midst of all of this wrestling in my heart, we have gone full force into the foster care ministry with our new church.  We are floored by the needs in our community and state.  So two weekends ago we brought home 2 kids from the shelter for 3 nights over Labor Day weekend.  Our church got involved with DHS in a program called Home for the Holidays.  The idea is for faith families to become certified (approved?) to take children from the shelter for a holiday weekend.  We were honored to join 13 other families from our church in taking home 17 kiddos! 

It was such a great experience.  Don't get me wrong...it's wasn't convenient (we already have 4 lovies).  It wasn't comfortable.  It wasn't easy.  But hello believers...God never told us life would be any of those.  He kept whispering to me all weekend when I would get discouraged, "Life is not supposed to be comfortable sweets."  How have I let myself believe these lies for so long? 

As we drove the kids back to the shelter I was sick to my stomach.  Every child begged to not go back.  Not for lack of love, cleanliness and care there, but it's a shelter for heaven's sake!!!!  Kids belong in families.  And I didn't have any good reason why the kids couldn't stay (besides we needed more training to be certified).  I have room.  I have Jesus.  This weekend just felt like a band-aide for this gaping wound that was in my city.  The reality hit me that why do I not think that these children are just as much my children as the ones God has already blessed me with.  Didn't He say they are all His?  None of them are really "ours".




Please watch this amazing video.  Pray with me about what God has already asked us to do.  God doesn't call us...He already commanded us to do this.  When we give our hearts to Jesus, then we must do as He commands. 

Consider reading these books.  I beg it of my brothers and sisters. 

Well dang...

Phew.

It's been a lazy couple of months since we moved home.  Good.  Slow.  Simple.  And my blog has been neglected. 

We have moved in our forever home and boy does it feel good to know we will be here for a long time.  I keep telling Blake that this is our last home.  That is such a wonderful feeling, even though I know better than to say never, right? 

Blake starts his job today and I could NOT possibly be more proud of him.  So I am gonna brag.  He has worked his heart out for 14 years to get to this place.  So, if you happen to find yourself in Tulsa, Oklahoma  and unfortunately your bones are outta whack, I just happen to know a fantastic guy!  He joined a great group here that just happened to plan to hire a orthopedic surgeon specializing in sports medicine this summer.  How great is our God?  I couldn't have planned that better if I tried :)

 Gosh, I love this one!!!

 I love how Emme winks!!!  Notice that I brought sugar cookies to keep them smiling ;)

And we are even more blessed by the church we call home here, and how close we are to our family and long time friends.  This past week I was baking brownies because my parents and grandmother were coming for dinner.  My daddy loves pecans in his brownies and I realized I had none.  My batter was ready to pour.  In relief I called for the boys down and told them to run to their grandparents house and get some from Noonie.  How cool is that?  We live in the same neighborhood as my parents.  If I had told Blake that was my dream as a child, he would've never married me I am sure.  And then it happened and we were both excited about it.  Sadie still wants to live at Noonie and Papa's though.  Total bummer, but she'll get over it, right?

So we are just settling in, loving being back together forever.  I've been reading a few books that have totally rocked my world.  Gaw.  I will have to come back and post on them because I can't quite swallow what has been brought to my attention. 

It's Friday, But Sunday's Coming

The precious baby doll I found at the Goodwill. Dang. I love that place. This was straight from Jesus. A dark brown soft doll that looked like Emery's version of Raggedy Ann for $1. She loves it and so does her big sissy ;o)

Great expression!

Could yellow look any better than on chocolaty smooth skin? I think not.

They decided to pull their allowance together to buy some cotton candy at the candy shop. Poor Emme just had to go along with it. The day is quickly approaching when she will no longer stand for the shenanigans and follow the guys...

Hey cutie patootie!

Skipping rocks with their daddy at Stone Mountain Park. Wow. This is a moment you dream about, right? Your husband being this kind of dad and teaching your kids this stuff. Lord, please help us to always slow down and embrace these sweet moments together and soak them up.

Early Monday morning at breakfast we were talking about Owen's decision to follow Jesus. Cooper said he believed those same things...and he wanted to give his heart to Jesus.

I have to admit, I wanted to say that he was too young, that maybe he didn't understand. But I knew better and by the grace of God I didn't say it. We kept talking. We talked about it here and there all day. And the verse about the faith of a child kept coming to me...

"Don't push these children away. Don't ever get between them and me. These children are at the very center of life in the kingdom. Mark this: Unless you accept God's kingdom in the simplicity of a child, you'll never get in." Then gathering the children up in his arms, he laid his hands of blessing on them." Mark 10:14 The MessageSo Monday night, I not only prayed with Owen to accept Jesus...but then with Cooper. What a sweet and tender moment. One that I will never forget. After Cooper and I prayed he said, "So is he in there (pointing to his heart and donning a HUGE grin)?" He told us the next morning that he was no longer afraid of monsters because he had Jesus with him. Melt my heart!

And for my title...Cooper is in love with the video on YouTube "It's Friday, but Sunday's Coming." He watches it over and over. And he's uber protective of Sadie seeing parts of it that might scare her (the crucifixion from the Passion) and he makes her cover her eyes.

So to say this has been a dreamy week is an understatement. I told my parents that there will be no greater joy in my life than this...in all the wonderful miraculous things we have experienced with the boys; their birth, their birth mom, their adoptions finalizing, dedicating them to the Lord...being able to say the prayer with them to give their heart to Jesus tops it all.