Kiddie post & plea

 So if anyone is reading at all you've caught on that I have been horrible at posting about these sweet lil lovies these past few months.  So I wanted to give some updates on them!!!  They are the whole reason I started blogging in the first place :/   Here is Sadie this summer being her crazy self...she is SO strong and can do the monkey bars all by herself.  She has some serious upper body muscles.  She is FAST and can nearly out run me.  She is constantly smiling and giggling and mothering.  She loves everything and will make it her baby to love on and take care of.  She talks to babies, grown adults, dogs, bugs, balls, dolls, etc like they are her very best friend.  Its super sweet most times, but awfully scary when she grabs adult men by the hands to play with her.  Perhaps we need to cover stranger danger again! 

 Owen is an incredible young man.  He is a wonderful leader at school and a huge help to his teacher.  He is very active and loves playing basketball, riding scooters, playing football, soccer, golf and tennis.  He is sure having fun with a backyard, we missed that when living in an apartment last year.  He loves to read and often stays up with a flashlight reading past his bedtime.  He too is a fast runner, but it's not his favorite thing to do.  He is a great listener, master negotiator, & is sensitive to others needs.  Tonight as I walked in to scratch the boys backs Owen started singing a song we had sung in church...but he never sings during praise so I didn't know he was listening...he sung it perfectly pausing just as the song is written, "My heart will si-ing...no other na-ame...Jesus...Jesus" over and over.  Oh love, there couldn't be a sweeter sound for a mama to hear, and even more so for our Father to hear!  This year he turned 7!  I don't know how we have a 7 year old!

 Emery, who we usually call Emme, is at such a fun age...most of the time.  She is particularly frustrated when everyone else has someone to pick on and she does not :(  So we are working on talking about our frustrations rather than hitting them out.  Whoops.  Her favorite things to say right now are: I gonna tewl mommy!, I no wan to, I tootie, No Sadie pfthtttt (we have a minor spitting problem), Aw we goin?, Aw da guys? and I do it!!!!!  She still loves to cuddle, is left handed and is our best sleeper!  She is TALL and skinny.  Most people mistake her for being 3 and older, and she just turned 2.5 this month!  She talks really well, still loves to sing and knows a lot of songs and she loves to pray, even for large groups of people.  Be still my heart!

 Cooper!  Coop turned 6 in November and got a bouncy house of all things.  Have you ever checked out purchasing one of those boogers instead of buying one?  No?  You should.  Google it!  We just had a few grands chip in and vwa-la, we got to keep the dang thing UNTIL IT POPS!!!  It has been endless fun and can hold up to 500 lbs so that means that occasionally we have a mom that hops in and plays monster tickler.  Fun times.  It's even more fun when you have no furniture and can inflate it in room and just leave it out during the winter.  Cooper is another blessing of a kid.  He is bursting with passion, compassion, ambition, skills (he has wonderful penmanship as well as one heck of an arm) and love.  He often comes home from school and has drawn pictures of the crucifixion and resurrection during his brain break at school.  Just like with everyone of our kids, I cannot wait to see how this guy follows God through life. 

 One thing I have hesitated to share about our Sadie is that we have "lost" her birth mom.  I haven't wanted to share it for several reasons.  First, so many people don't get open adoption and quite frankly don't need another reason to not understand it.  Second, so many people don't try and understand birth parents, and I don't want people to judge these precious precious family members.  They are our family, so please understand how intimate and personal we hold them in our hearts.  But it's been nearly 2 years since we've seen Gerlisha, and we miss her terribly.  Sadie prays for her daily.  She cries for her.  She draws pictures of her.  She is only 4, so I am not sure what memories she has or if its just because we talk about her so much and tell her stories and look at pictures.  Whatever it is, it's real and it's painful.  I know adoption is layered and bittersweet, and we have been educated and counseled on how to walk through this with our loves.  I don't know where I would be without our adoption agency and their support.  But they don't know where she is either.  So this is me asking for prayer and only prayer.  Please do not judge our choices or Gerlisha's.  My hope is that she might follow the blog and see how desperately we need her, and that's why I am finally sharing this.  I am so thankful that I ALWAYS take pictures when we see our first families because we never want to take a day for granted. 

 Emery right before turning 2

 Cooper found a worm...he is such a boy loving dirt and bugs and all things boy!

 Priceless picture of me telling Owen thank you for smiling for the pictures...he HATES taking pictures so we bribed the kids with QT if they smiled!

 The girls had pajama day at school and watched Polar Express

 Owen's holiday party at school!  We had so much fun at his party and stole the idea to MOB the Neighborhood with love and give the holiday away.  It was cheap and helped the kids focus on OTHERS during the holiday instead of giving them a bunch of silly dinky knick-knacks.

 This was the girls party at school, even though we don't do Santa they got a kick out of seeing our pastor dress up and read a story. 

 Cooper's class party.  Isn't he such a handsome stud with that too cool smile? 

 I think since we never talk about Santa she was fascinated with him.  Ha!

Emery was just excited to get herself some candy!  This girl LOVES sweets! 

Stir Crazy

I have been neglecting this little blog thing here.  But for good reason. 

God has moved something awful crazy in my heart.  My family thinks I need help. 

I am not a reader.  I rarely take the time to read anything, and sadly even reading the Bible had become blah.  (horribly sad to admit because of my deep love for Jesus). 

One of the more influential women in my life (Jen Hatmaker) wrote a couple of books.  And I had to read them because I love her and trust her. 

Well then that led to me finishing a book in 3 days which is UNHEARD of for me.  I usually get the the very end and then quit.  Wha?

So from June-now I have not been able to stop the constant reading.  She mentioned several books and other friends did too.  I am hungry again for words from Jesus, even if it takes these authors hitting me over the head with the reality that I have been ignoring some pretty big things. 

Here they are.  If you are needing a good read and are ready for something serious to happen in your heart, you cannot miss these. 

Radical- David Platt
Crazy Love-Francis Chan
Kisses from Katie-Katie Davis
Interrupted-Jen Hatmaker
7- Jen Hatmaker

I cannot think straight I am so conflicted with our life in America and the needs of those around us.  How did I become so comfortable with this?  How did I not see so many suffering and truly believe they are my responsibility?  How did I miss that in the Bible? 

I am ashamed.  I am disgusted.  I am achy.  I am stir crazy for wanting to DO SOMETHING.  And poor Blake has known all along that I am odd, but now I want to be really weird and actually do what Jesus asked us to do...lay down my life for Him. 

In the midst of all of this wrestling in my heart, we have gone full force into the foster care ministry with our new church.  We are floored by the needs in our community and state.  So two weekends ago we brought home 2 kids from the shelter for 3 nights over Labor Day weekend.  Our church got involved with DHS in a program called Home for the Holidays.  The idea is for faith families to become certified (approved?) to take children from the shelter for a holiday weekend.  We were honored to join 13 other families from our church in taking home 17 kiddos! 

It was such a great experience.  Don't get me wrong...it's wasn't convenient (we already have 4 lovies).  It wasn't comfortable.  It wasn't easy.  But hello believers...God never told us life would be any of those.  He kept whispering to me all weekend when I would get discouraged, "Life is not supposed to be comfortable sweets."  How have I let myself believe these lies for so long? 

As we drove the kids back to the shelter I was sick to my stomach.  Every child begged to not go back.  Not for lack of love, cleanliness and care there, but it's a shelter for heaven's sake!!!!  Kids belong in families.  And I didn't have any good reason why the kids couldn't stay (besides we needed more training to be certified).  I have room.  I have Jesus.  This weekend just felt like a band-aide for this gaping wound that was in my city.  The reality hit me that why do I not think that these children are just as much my children as the ones God has already blessed me with.  Didn't He say they are all His?  None of them are really "ours".




Please watch this amazing video.  Pray with me about what God has already asked us to do.  God doesn't call us...He already commanded us to do this.  When we give our hearts to Jesus, then we must do as He commands. 

Consider reading these books.  I beg it of my brothers and sisters. 

I'm A Mess...well not really

I will just admit it. I have been in such a funk this week. It's made me mad. I am a happy girl. I love to giggle and be giddy. And it's hit me hard this week, the loss of Kennedy.

Funny, huh? That it took two weeks to set in. I think part of it is that I've been in denial. That awful thing that cycles through my brain about "what if he changes his mind". This has to be the hardest part about failed placements. There is no end to the wondering of how your child is. Yes, you place them in God's hands and trust that He will protect them. But this is a fallen world and people make choices and mistakes and children all too often deal with the consequences of that. If you've read Shack, you clearly understand that God doesn't always intervene to protect us, even children. I mean, we all know that, but that book just taught me so much more about what we are going through. And I know that I read it in January because God knew I would need those thoughts ever so fresh on my mind today.

God wants me to feel His deep and endless love for my family and for Kennedy. The David Crowder Band song How He Loves just keeps coming to my mind over and over...I love thinking about these words:

"And oh, how He loves us so

Oh how He loves us

How He loves us all

Yeah, He loves us"

He wants me to find deeper relationship with Him in this. I have been frustrated with my allowing sad thoughts to capture my mind in the quiet. Because truly things have been incredible...how could they not be? Chin.up.girl!

It's been the little things. We got her insurance card in the mail the other day. Her name looks so stinking cute all printed out with our last name. Ugh. I finally took the embroidering off her diaper bag and duffle bag. I am glad I did it, but whoa!!! It took hours of me just staring at her sweet name...just thinking about and praying for her.

But I know that this is a corner that needs to be passed, and with time and pursuing God in these moments...our hearts will continue to heal. C has asked some wonderful questions about our faith and beliefs. She is keeping in touch with us through text and it is SO good for my heart. She is beyond precious and she wants the best for us and is praying for us. How incredible is that? See...why am I sittin in this pit?

The rough spots have been passing, and honestly most of the time I am chipper and not faking it. We've been getting out to the zoo and science museum so that's helped a ton!

They all LOVE this water table!

You gotta love a place that lets kids get on the exhibits! Notice how long our "baby" is? Mercy!

Notice how much she loves the puppet I am showing her, and then below how quickly she gets made because she can't get the thing off the stick to play with it! She is one committed little girl! Sadie found her sweet face in the mirror and she loved painting it!

She is smiling because I was telling her not to drink the water!

Oh man...I love that smile! He cracks me up!

This week I even took Sadie and Cooper to their well child visits we missed when we were in Aspen. Aren't these cute pics? They are SO cute together and like besties when O is not there. It's funny how dynamics change when one is away! Sadie got shots and actually kicked the nurse after she let her up! I was embarrassed but laughing at the same time. This little girl is a pistol!!!!

Birth Mothers Day

Oh this is such a wonderful time of year as Mother's Day approaches I think about all of the mamas out there. Those that are moms for the first time will be filled with so much pride and thanksgiving on this day. Then there are those that are struggling with the loss of a child on this day...oh what they wouldn't give to just hold their baby/child one last time. There are those that are waiting for a placement to happen...they might have been waiting just weeks, or months, or maybe even years....this day will be filled with ache and wonder if their hope for a child will always be void.

But the Saturday before Mother's Day, May 8th this year, is dedicated to those that have placed a child for adoption. It's Birth Mother's Day. No, I still haven't found this to be a priority for Hallmark...but I have figured out ways to make our own cards for these precious moms in our life. I wanted to share a couple of things we have done in years past for Mother's Day for our birth mamas. And I was hoping that you could share yours. I am always searching for cool ideas for our birth moms and thought this would be a great way to come up with new ideas.

• Memory Book


• Family Picture framed in recordable frame-record kids saying "I love you Mandy"


• Mark Schultz's song "Everything to Me" typed out with handprints/footprints of child framed


• Piggies and Paws


• Adoption Jewelry-You can't really see this, but it's to die for cute. It says, "Forever in My Heart" and then we put Skielar on the other tag...Sadie's birth name. I got this on Etsy from The R House. (The cutie patootie baby w/ onesie above is from them too!)

• Max Lucado's Gift Book-God Thinks You're Wonderful
• Gift card if they like to shop (and what girl doesn't?)

Our incredible agency, Deaconess Pregnancy & Adoption Services, has put on a Birth Mom Retreat for the last 3 years for it's birth mothers over Birth Mother's Day. I love that they do this...especially as an adoptive mother to know that these women are cherished, pampered, and nurtured over this special weekend.

Please remember all of these women in your prayers over the next few weeks and especially in your church over Mother's Day. It is such an incredible day, but for so many women, it comes with deep pain and it may make all the difference in their world if someone remembers their loss and void on this day.

Any other gift ideas??? Please share!

Healing Rain

Today was a good day.

I never thought I could say that on a day when I knew for sure this child was not to be ours. But, I can't get over God's protection in this. There are a thousand ways that this situation could have been worse, and I find myself thankful that it just wasn't.

Of course, we wish it had ended with Kennedy coming to us. We feel like a ton of things happened that, had they been different, the outcome might have been different. But, we know that God is in control and perhaps he allowed certain things to unfold the way they did to protect us from deeper hurt.

Thanks to my fabulous in-laws, the kids never knew the events and tragedies that took place. Their hearts are what I was most worried about and I thank God that they were protected from this loss. The moment we knew that C was in labor, they drove up to be with the kids. Even though they were told we were at the hospital, the boys replied, "Yea, my daddy has to work there a lot!" Thank you Jesus! And thank you Gigi and Papa for giving Blake and I time to grieve this!

My mom was an angel this weekend. She too jumped on the road when C called so that she could help us out at the hospital. She even slept on the waiting room floor all night so that C's daughter could have safety and sleep. Seriously, this is being the hands and feet of Christ. My mom never gripped one bit about this, but instead was joyful to be of help and bonded with this sweet child. When things started to unravel, my mom held me, prayed over me and let me sob about how and why this could happen...again. She even gave me her big sun glasses to wear out of the hospital so that I didn't look so crazy with my red swollen teary eyes.

Today, the kids had school so my mom and grandma drove from Tulsa to hang out with me, distract me and do a little retail therapy. Thank you both for your precious gift of time, laughter and friendship. This day would have been so much different if we didn't have such wonderful friends and family praying us through this. Thank you for all of the phone calls, emails, texts and fb notes. You have no idea how much peace it brings to know so many love us, are praying and walking through this with us.

***How could I be sad today when I had these two goofballs to hang out with??? Thank you Lord for these two!!!***

God has wanted us to feel His love in this journey and we have experienced Him in a new way. Never have I felt such peace about something so painful in my life. I haven't cried at all today. Maybe it's because I got it all out on Saturday, or maybe it's because I am not letting myself focus on the sad parts of this. Mostly, I think it's because I know our God has great plans for us.

Our hope is in the Lord, not in a child.

It rained almost all day today. I love the rain. I couldn't help but just hear the Michael W. Smith song in my head "Healing Rain". The rain was healing today. Such a gentle reminder from our Savior of His love for us and His desire to heal and mend our broken hearts.

Seeing the Sun through the Clouds

Today Blake and I were driving and I noticed the sun peaking through the clouds. It was pretty and I just took it in. Then I thought how you really can't often look straight at the sun like that.

It was cool how I could look straight at it because the clouds were blocking most of it. It was just beautiful.

Then I thought about life and how often we miss so much of God's presence until things get "cloudy". Then all of the sudden we feel Him so heavily in our hearts and our lives. It's like the poo of life even brings glory to our Father. He is always there walking with us, but it's during those times of deep pain that we see Him most vividly.

Let me explain.

Friday night Blake and I were watching a movie. It was a sad movie, but Blake and I were enjoying our cuddle time and just being together. At 9:45 my phone recieved a text. It was C and she said, "Just thought I should let you know my water broke"

We immediately jumped up and called her. We planned to meet each other at the hospital. We called our family and were shaking with excitement. Blake's parents came up to stay with the kids since they were out, and we went to the hospital to meet C. She labored for almost 12 hours and delivered sweet Kennedy Kate @ 8:17 am. She is perfect and weighed 7 lbs 8oz and is 20 inches long and has a full head of black hair..yes more hair than Sadie!!!

I was there during the entire delivery and even got to cut the umbilical cord! I bawled when she came out and gave us the most beautiful cry. It really was a perfect delivery and things couldn't have gone better.

Then late afternoon yesterday after we were moved to the post partum unit, things changed drastically. We ended up leaving the hospital without Kennedy. I don't want to share details with the whole world about what happened, but I do want to ask for your prayers. The girls will be discharged tomorrow. Please pray that C's choices will be respected and that baby can come home with us. I am so sorry for not giving more info, just know that our hearts are broken that this is not looking so hot. And in this, we want to protect Kennedy, C and everyone involved.

We are praying that we can continue to show the love of Christ to C and her family. We pray they have already felt that love. We will keep everyone posted and truly appreciate all of your love and support.

Conversations

I am not sure if it's just in my world lately, but there's been a lot of tragedy in the lives of those I love.

Not just death, but a lot of struggles not just physically, but emotional and spiritual as well.

My family lost a dear friend a week ago today in an unexpected way. She was a life long family friend and one of my mother's best friends.

People are being sued for the wrong reason.

Some are giving up on their marriages.

Families are dealing with broken dreams in the trail of miscarriage and adoptions falling through.

Then today, I read these verses, not in searching did I find this, it was what followed today (God is good like that). These are verses that I have read for years, but they had different meaning today and spoke to me today.

Matt. 5:3,4,7-9 The Message

"You're blessed when you're at the end of you rope. With less of you there is more of God and his rule."

"You're blessed when you feel you've lost what is most dear to you. Only then can you be embraced by the One most dear to you."

"You're blessed when you care. At the moment of being 'care-full' you find yourselves cared for."

"You're blessed when you get your inside world-your mind and heart- put right. Then you can see God in the outside world."

"You're blessed when you can show people how to cooperate instead of compete or fight. That's when you discover who you really are, and your place in God's family."

I sure am thankful that our God loves us enough to have conversations with us through the Bible, the holy spirit as well as placing deep friendships in our lives.

So, to end on a lighter note...please read this story of an incredibly mature young man and his vision. You will be touched, I promise...but you can also help his dream come true! It's a must read!