Seeing Green

Lunch was even green with Mac N Cheese and green yogurt for our apples! So fun!

They had a blast adding the food coloring and stirring it up! Notice the green plates too ;)

Even though my 3 and 4 year old boys can't seem to open the play dough by themselves, my Sadie had that booger open in no time! Holy moly!

We've never really gotten into St. Paddy's Day before, but we needed a little something to do today and I thought it would be fun to go all out...of course I mean in Shockley style, which really isn't anything big.

We made green eggs (no ham) and green milk this morning. It was so much fun!

Even Sadie was impressed. Not really, she's just a happy girl!!!

This afternoon we get to see Mama G and we are so excited! It's always fun getting to play and visit with our birth moms. And with what we've been through in the last couple of weeks, it makes us even that much more thankful for the sacrifices made for our children to be in our home and family.

I've not been really open about all that's gone on with Kennedy's situation, and while I still don't want to go into great detail about it, we've continued to go through ups and downs with her placement. So many people have asked when we tell them that we don't have her, "Is there a chance that she could change her mind?" Yes. And one might think that would make this loss and pain a bit easier. But when that possibility drags on, it becomes quite unbearable. It's so hard to grieve the loss of a child that you think still might be yours one day. I find myself doing everything I can to not think of her.

There are reasons I am talking about this now. One, we would like to ask you for prayer for peace for all of us, C especially. We've felt it strong and we know God is still near to us. Second, we want others to know what this feels like, not for sympathy, but others that are thinking about adoption to understand the realities of it (both good and bad). Disrupted placements are not what you hear about in the media, but they do happen. And last, I've never felt more frustrated that Cooper's Law is not in effect. My heart is so heavy for what our birth mothers have to go through in our state as they choose adoption for their child.

One of my friends said to me last week, "How are you? And you don't have to lie to me." She has been through this herself and she knows all to often when people ask that, they don't necessarily want to hear that your wondering about your baby. Thank you Kim for being so ready to listen to my heart.

All in all, we are doing well. Each day seems to get better, but I have to say that the fact things have been in limbo have worn me out. Yesterday, we decided that we are moving on like this will not happen. Again, I don't want go into the details of it because I know you are wondering why we didn't do that last week!

I came upon this verse yesterday and it spoke volumes to my heart. Hope it does the same for you!

"We now have this light shining in our hearts, but we ourselves are like fragile clay jars containing this great treasure. This makes it clear that our great power is from God, not from ourselves. We are pressed on every side by troubles, but we are not crushed. We are perplexed, but not driven to despair. We are hunted down, but never abandoned by God. We get knocked down, but we are not destroyed." 2 Corinthians 4:7-9

**Check out Owen's ashy knees! Mercy! I love that Sadie loves necklaces and jewelry!!!**

Now what?

I am pretty sure some of you are thinking, so what happens now?

Well, our profile is back in the mix! So much of that is wonderful to know that it's a part of us moving forward. But I would be lying if I said that I am totally over this. It is hard when you get to cut their umbilical cord, watch them take their first breath, watch their first bath, smell them, kiss them, diaper and feed them. I have no idea what to do with 100 pics of her. Mercy, I can't imagine what a birth mom feels saying good-bye. We also got so excited about Sadie and the boys having another sister. I grew up with 3 older sisters and they are such treasures to me. They are my best friends to this day. I want that for Sadie.

But we are trusting that God knows what's best for Sadie, as well as all of us!

Our profile should go online with the agency in the next week or so.

We have still been talking with C in hopes that she understands we love her without condition. Even though we met her because of Kennedy, we want to support her and pray for her regardless of where Kennedy ends up. Please join us in praying for her, that she feels peace about her decision.

We hope and pray that in our efforts to share our adoption journey and the realities of it, that we haven't scared people off from joining us in this! I realize to so many that this looks scary, and perhaps a little insane. But from our perspective, even though we've experienced pain and loss, the blessings are overflowing and it is so worth the heartache and uncertainty. It is an incredible feeling to have Christ pick up the pieces, mend us and hold us. There are so many things that we've experienced this last week that we can't help but be thankful for...but nothing more than our faith and hope in Jesus.

I took the kids to Tulsa to see my family this last week thinking it would be a great distraction, and it was. It's amazing what talking will do for your soul. Thank you to my family and friends who allowed me to share the story, yet again. You have no idea how refreshing our time was with all of you!

We had so much fun playing with the kids. Okay, Grayson wasn't so much loving it at the moment!

Yea, I don't really fit on it...but those buggers are a blast! And they are wonderful therapy for the soul! SO HILARIOUS!

Thanks Becki for making me laugh! All of my sisters and my parents dropped everything to hang out with us! You all are the best!

Someone learned how to climb the stairs! OH NO! Doesn't she look mischievous?

Music has been so healing this week. This one has been particularly close to my heart as it's what got us through our time with Cooper's journey. Hope Natalie is okay with me sharing the words!

Who told us we’d be rescued

What has changed and

Why should we be saved from nightmares

We're asking why this happens to us

This is what it means to be held

How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life

And you survive

This is what it is to be loved and know

That the promise was when everything fell

We’d be held

Wordless Wednesday

We all know that I can't really do a wordless post. But, this one will be short with pics.

We are holding up well. Yesterday was a bit harder than Monday, I cried when Sadie dropped a toy on my foot. That wouldn't normally bring me to tears, but they came a flowing! I told the boys yesterday, and they handled it really well. Owen requested that we still use the name Kennedy though. So funny what they think about! But we still feel the peace of God and the love and support through all of your prayers. Besides, when I've got so many things to be thankful for I would not be practicing my faith if I focus on what we've lost.

The boys had a friend over and they built a fort. Sadie went to find them and this is what happened...

Looking...

They were being bears when they chased her. She was running so fast on her sticks, it's amazing those babies don't snap they are so skinny!

Then Cooper and Brody come to find her! She loves playing with her brothers!

Love this one. We are blessed with the most precious daddy in the world.

Sadie loves spaghetti! Can you tell how orange she is? She then took her 3rd bath of the day. I swear she's messier than any boy!!! I LOVE it!

Healing Rain

Today was a good day.

I never thought I could say that on a day when I knew for sure this child was not to be ours. But, I can't get over God's protection in this. There are a thousand ways that this situation could have been worse, and I find myself thankful that it just wasn't.

Of course, we wish it had ended with Kennedy coming to us. We feel like a ton of things happened that, had they been different, the outcome might have been different. But, we know that God is in control and perhaps he allowed certain things to unfold the way they did to protect us from deeper hurt.

Thanks to my fabulous in-laws, the kids never knew the events and tragedies that took place. Their hearts are what I was most worried about and I thank God that they were protected from this loss. The moment we knew that C was in labor, they drove up to be with the kids. Even though they were told we were at the hospital, the boys replied, "Yea, my daddy has to work there a lot!" Thank you Jesus! And thank you Gigi and Papa for giving Blake and I time to grieve this!

My mom was an angel this weekend. She too jumped on the road when C called so that she could help us out at the hospital. She even slept on the waiting room floor all night so that C's daughter could have safety and sleep. Seriously, this is being the hands and feet of Christ. My mom never gripped one bit about this, but instead was joyful to be of help and bonded with this sweet child. When things started to unravel, my mom held me, prayed over me and let me sob about how and why this could happen...again. She even gave me her big sun glasses to wear out of the hospital so that I didn't look so crazy with my red swollen teary eyes.

Today, the kids had school so my mom and grandma drove from Tulsa to hang out with me, distract me and do a little retail therapy. Thank you both for your precious gift of time, laughter and friendship. This day would have been so much different if we didn't have such wonderful friends and family praying us through this. Thank you for all of the phone calls, emails, texts and fb notes. You have no idea how much peace it brings to know so many love us, are praying and walking through this with us.

***How could I be sad today when I had these two goofballs to hang out with??? Thank you Lord for these two!!!***

God has wanted us to feel His love in this journey and we have experienced Him in a new way. Never have I felt such peace about something so painful in my life. I haven't cried at all today. Maybe it's because I got it all out on Saturday, or maybe it's because I am not letting myself focus on the sad parts of this. Mostly, I think it's because I know our God has great plans for us.

Our hope is in the Lord, not in a child.

It rained almost all day today. I love the rain. I couldn't help but just hear the Michael W. Smith song in my head "Healing Rain". The rain was healing today. Such a gentle reminder from our Savior of His love for us and His desire to heal and mend our broken hearts.

Seeing the Sun through the Clouds

Today Blake and I were driving and I noticed the sun peaking through the clouds. It was pretty and I just took it in. Then I thought how you really can't often look straight at the sun like that.

It was cool how I could look straight at it because the clouds were blocking most of it. It was just beautiful.

Then I thought about life and how often we miss so much of God's presence until things get "cloudy". Then all of the sudden we feel Him so heavily in our hearts and our lives. It's like the poo of life even brings glory to our Father. He is always there walking with us, but it's during those times of deep pain that we see Him most vividly.

Let me explain.

Friday night Blake and I were watching a movie. It was a sad movie, but Blake and I were enjoying our cuddle time and just being together. At 9:45 my phone recieved a text. It was C and she said, "Just thought I should let you know my water broke"

We immediately jumped up and called her. We planned to meet each other at the hospital. We called our family and were shaking with excitement. Blake's parents came up to stay with the kids since they were out, and we went to the hospital to meet C. She labored for almost 12 hours and delivered sweet Kennedy Kate @ 8:17 am. She is perfect and weighed 7 lbs 8oz and is 20 inches long and has a full head of black hair..yes more hair than Sadie!!!

I was there during the entire delivery and even got to cut the umbilical cord! I bawled when she came out and gave us the most beautiful cry. It really was a perfect delivery and things couldn't have gone better.

Then late afternoon yesterday after we were moved to the post partum unit, things changed drastically. We ended up leaving the hospital without Kennedy. I don't want to share details with the whole world about what happened, but I do want to ask for your prayers. The girls will be discharged tomorrow. Please pray that C's choices will be respected and that baby can come home with us. I am so sorry for not giving more info, just know that our hearts are broken that this is not looking so hot. And in this, we want to protect Kennedy, C and everyone involved.

We are praying that we can continue to show the love of Christ to C and her family. We pray they have already felt that love. We will keep everyone posted and truly appreciate all of your love and support.

Playing while we wait

Seriously, how cute are they??? Sadie LOVED her yogurt to dip her apples in. Yet another display of Owen's sweetness. He got his pillow and blankie and made a place for Sadie and Cooper to lay on while he pulled them. Below he is covering her and telling her she can chew on his blanket if she wants (that's what he does). I love how he's stooped down to talk to her.

I forget how much kids Sadie's age eat dirt!!! She is constantly eating grass, sand, leaves and such! Why in the world doesn't she do that with food? Is my cooking that bad?

Now if this doesn't capture the essence of childhood, I don't know what does. Shoes on backwards, sucker in, eyes closed and the smell of spring in the air. Not a care in the world!

Well, we couldn't have better weather these last several days. It's made waiting on Miss KK much easier!

We saw C yesterday afternoon and played at the park. It was so much fun that we stayed until 6! When the kids go to bed at 7, that's staying late! We came home to Blake cooking breakfast for dinner for all of us!

Needless to say, we are feeling incredibly blessed. We are soaking up every bit of this anticipation believing that Kennedy will come home to us. But we also know that it is very real that she may not.

It takes balance (and a lot of self talk!) to enjoy this time, and not give into fear of what ifs and how we will get our children and ourselves through that. But we also know, because we've had adoptions fall through before, that He is faithful and will never leave us. Only He knows the outcomes for Kennedy and our family. We keep going back to that baby that we lost before Sadie and how if we she had become a Shockley, then we wouldn't have sister. Whoa.

So today, we rest in the goodness of anticipating something so wonderful as new life. But we also wait knowing what C is about to experience. We realize that we don't "know" it as if we've been birth parents, but we know it because we've watched our birth moms walk it before. It's the most intense mix of emotions at the hospital, and you'd be cheating yourself and your child to not let yourself experience those fully. It's such a raw time, and yet so wonderful and sweet. I've told so many people how spiritual this process is, I feel the presence of Christ so heavily in those moments and we always walk away deeply changed.

Not so sure how she feels about getting this kiss, but it sure was cute! You are such a wonderful big bro Coop!

18 months and in awe

Sadie and Kynlee at the Science Museum yesterday.

Ky, I love your hair dude!

I love it when he lets me take his pic! You have such a sweet spirit about you Coop!

You couldn't say no to that face either, could you? Admit it!

She loves the clown wig. It cracks me up, but she really likes to wear it around. In fact, she wore it when the social worker came to do our home study last week! She's a hoot!

Happy 18 month birthday Sadie Cakes! We cannot believe that you are getting so big!

Sadie wears size 5 shoes, size 18 month clothes and is still in a size 2 diaper. She has 12 perfectly gappy teeth and all 4 of us wrapped around her pinky. She LOVES anything sweet, but is not really picky when it comes to food...she's just hardly ever hungry enough to get serious about eating. She definitely doesn't get that from me! Liking the sweets, perhaps...but Sadie just eats like a bird and that's not my style! She's pretty girly and loves stuffed animals, baby dolls and purses. She still likes to give a good growl and play with trucks and trains though. She has a new love for slides and swings, so we've been play in the back a lot on our swing set.

She has finally started talking more and we feel like she's developing more and more of her personality these last few weeks. She LOVES to catch your eye and make you smile. Even perfect strangers, she walks up to them and touches them and cuddles them. It can make for some awkward moments as I try to peel her off of people at the Omniplex. And at the same time, if someone gives her attention first, she gives you this evil look. Kinda like this...

It looks so mean, and people wonder why this sweetie can be so intense. But most of the time she is all smiles.

We've started rearranging everything to fit Miss Kennedy Kate into our lives! Isn't that a sweet name? Kennedy (although perhaps a tid more popular than we'd prefer) was on both C's name list and ours. So we thought it was perfect. Kate is after me. I can just hear us calling her "KK", but I think most of the time she'll be Kennedy. I just folded all of the bitty clothes and put them in her drawers in the girls' room. We are all SO excited to bring her home!

C is doing well. We've talked several times on the phone. She is pretty miserable and ready for things to move along. She is not going to be induced at this time and we don't expect a C-section. So we are just waiting for labor to start. As you can imagine I am sleeping right next to my phone. Our families have all stepped up to take care of our kids so that we can be there at the hospital with C. We feel like this is a dream and we need to pinch ourselves.

We've been blessed by so many wonderful friendships and family members that want to walk next to us in this journey. A dear friend had a wonderful idea to give C a duffel bag with her name on it to take to the hospital. I can't tell you how this touched me that people are not only praying for C, but want to bless her life the way she is blessing ours. Thank you Tickled Sew Pink for your heart! I know you are going to kill me for sharing what you did, but I just can't get over it. We are overwhelmed by these actions.

This is being the body of Christ, thank you for not only celebrating with us as we wait for Kennedy to arrive...but thank you for getting in the middle of this with us. Thank you for every prayer for C. Thank you for respecting her privacy and not asking a lot of questions. Thank you for trying to put yourself in her shoes and imagine what this week must be like knowing you are about to lose something so dear because you know it's what's best. Thank you will never be enough. We are humbled.