I Cannot

I cannot keep my house clean...but I still try.

I cannot be the best wife ever, but I believe I am the best for Blake.  And dang...how I love and adore that man.

I cannot possibly be the mother my kids need me to be 100% of the time, but I do believe in a God who reaches across that gap and uses me just.how.I.am.

I believe in Phil 4:13 in a deeper way than I ever have before.  When I gave my heart to Jesus, HE MAKES ME ABLE.  When I daily rely on Him, He uses me just as I am.  Because I have nothing more than any other human being to bring to the table without Him. 

And I believe He has used these books to awaken my heart, to strengthen my walk with Him...to open my eyes to so much that I have chosen not to see.  I have known for years that God was asking us to do something with foster care, but we couldn't figure out what.  And its been through these books, that we have been challenged to see that we won't necessarily feel "a calling" to one certain thing.  That we may not feel "peace" about what God has put before us.  But He still asks us to do it.  He commands us to, in fact.  We don't need to have all the details worked out before we say YES.  We don't need to be able before stepping up.  Phil 4:13 says He makes us able.  He just wants us to come to Him and lay down our lives, our plans, our dreams, and know that He is worth it all.

These books have made me question so many things, and taken me to places of freedom in Christ that I have yearned for.  I have never felt so free in Him.  I am so thankful for where I am today, and I am more thankful for my precious husband than I think I have ever been.

But I also feel so much conflict with the world around me.  I see loads of Halloween candy and my heart breaks knowing how that candy got to our shelves in the grocery store.  Please, I beg you, read about forced child labor and slave labor regarding cocoa beans and every major American chocolate company that purchases these cocoa beans is full aware.  Please do not buy chocolate this Halloween!!!

I feel conflict with how much money is spent frivolously while so much of the world is dying of starvation.  I can't get past 26,000 dying daily from lack of food.  But I have peace in knowing that Blake and I can make choices to live differently, I just wish it didn't come with so much uproar from the world around us.  We are the weird parents.  I just pray they don't hate us for it, but rather know Jesus deeper because of it.

Last weekend I sat in church with a new lovie on my lap from the shelter.  She didn't want to leave me for big church, so her 6 year old self got right on my lap to take it in.  And.I.wept.  I cried out to Jesus during worship knowing He fully understands her precious situation, and why she is hurting...while I do not, I am the one physically holding her, kissing her, and begging for comfort thru Him for her.  Both her and her little sister ached for their mama all weekend, and I cried with them telling them I am so sorry that she is not here.  Taking them back to the shelter was enough to break me...her little body clung to me like a spider monkey and she bawled asking me not to leave her.  Two workers had to peel her off of me. 

As you might imagine, we've applied to be an emergency foster home through Child Share Circle of Care here in Tulsa.  Emergency is different than traditional foster care in that it is short term placement so that younger (birth-5 years) do not go to the shelter before finding long term foster placements.  I can't explain the rest this step has brought to my soul.  As overwhelmed as we are with 4 children, we still feel like God is asking us to trust Him and do this. 

This was done for a local church (our friends church) in plea for the church to step up and take this problem head on...


They are His Children from New Beginnings Church on Vimeo.

I cannot sit back any longer and wait for another day.  We are only promised today.  There will never be better timing.  There will always be something else....but I cannot sit still any longer.

Pictures...

I really want to post some fun pictures and not try and think through what's going on in my head.

There is a lot there, and I am not sure what to share. 

Good things though...where as weeks ago I felt stir crazy, I feel such peace about the direction we have chosen.  Until then, enjoy these cuties!

 Emery, Sadie and cousin Ragon cheering on their other cousin in soccer!  What divas!

 This was a few weeks ago when we had my grandmother (who lives down the street from us) over for dinner.  She is 91 folks, and she either pretended to have, or really did have a fun time with our wild bunch.  Either way, we LOVED every minute of it.  This was when we were having our first hot chocolate of the fall!  Yummo!

 Sadie being silly!

 The boys all went out to hit some balls...one of their favorite things to do with their daddy!

 Lil Miss Thang.  This girl is absolutely gorgeous...and sassy as all get out too!  Her favorite thing to say right now..."I no want to!"  I will take that over ear piercing screams anyday, but sometimes I have to say, "Well, sister I no want to either, but we GOT TO!!!"  She still loves to sing, she prays the sweetest prayers, she is compassionate, she is still a huge cuddler, she loves talking and has quite the vocabulary...mostly from songs she sings.  She has an opinion about what clothes I put on her...and she is only 2 mind you.  She often says, "a pincess" meaning "I must wear a dressy dress to school mom!"  And that day will be followed by a day in which she wants to wear her jammies to school.  I give in when I can because let's be honest, it's just not a big deal every once in a while.   

 Emery could spend every waking minute on the swings.  And she likes to go HIGH!  In fact, if you don't push her high enough she will scream at you.  So if you think a small child has just had two limbs removed because you hear bloodcurdling screams coming from the intersection.  Fear not!  It is just Emery wanting to go HIGHER!!!  We are working on this people.  She is quickly learning, "Higher please!"

 Look at this smile!!!!  Man oh man!  I got some good pictures of this sweet Cooper swinging!  Cooper is quickly approaching 6 and is killing Kindergarten.  Not only is he doing fantastic with his school work, but evidently he is setting a wonderful example for his classmates.  Owen had just as remarkable of reports and has even been given extra responsibilities in class because of his leadership.  His reading is outstanding and he has made great friends already.  Blake and I were smiling like we had hangers stuck in our mouths when we left conferences.  Thank you Jesus for guiding these fellas!  The guys have both decided...drumroll please...to enroll in basketball this winter.  Their grandparents are elated!  Blake and I have truly enjoyed being so close to their school and have been able to join them for lunch several times.  It's such a blessing!

 Sadie found a funky pumpkin at the patch on Wednesday with her preschool class.  She also is learning sooo much at school.  She has made lots of friends and truly enjoys going.  Another huge blessing!  I still can't believe she is 4!!!!  She is still our social butterfly, she is sensitive (what kid isn't though?), she loves to play with anything except a ball, her new favorite thing is her doll house.  She has finally gained weight, but you'd never know it!  She loves to say the prayer before dinner, she adores her grandparents, shopping, cookies, candy, nail polish, high heels, lip gloss, purses, giggling, being tickled, her daddy and she desperately wants a real dog or baby.  Too bad so sad sister, the fish will have to do! 

 He is SO sweet to take pictures for me even though he dreads them.  They all enjoyed the pumpkin patch with the girls' school. 

 Emery found a pumpkin!!!

 I begged them all to get together for a pic.  You know how well that went over with the guys...gosh they are adorable though!!

Emery gave me this face when I asked her to smile.  She's a riot!