I Refuse...

Sometimes I just want to close my eyes
And act like everyone's alright
When I know they're not

This world needs God
But it's easier to stand and watch
I could say a prayer and just move on
Like nothing's wrong

But I refuse
'Cause I don't want to live like I don't care
I don't want to say another empty prayer
Oh, I refuse

To sit around and wait for someone else
To do what God has called me to do myself
Oh, I could choose
Not to move but I refuse

I can hear the least of these
Crying out so desperately
And I know we are the hands and feet
Of You, oh God

So, if You say move
It's time for me to follow through
And do what I was made to do
Show them who You are



I hope you've heard this song...it so speaks of what my heart feels about our love for Jesus and our lives being lived out for Him. We cannot say we belong to Jesus and then live a life that resembles nothing of Him. If we do, then our hearts aren't truly His, right?

I thought of this song as I read a new link on our adoption agencies website. I hope you will take a second to read this...it's heart breaking and at the same time shows that we all need to say "I REFUSE" to sit here any longer. Did you know that even with all of the adoptions that we hear about and take place worldwide, that 14,050,000 children remain orphans and age out of the system every year!

God use me. Break me. Remind us that this life is not mine, but yours. Any fears we have about what you might be calling us to is not from you...for you do not give us a spirit of fear.

Seeing Green

Lunch was even green with Mac N Cheese and green yogurt for our apples! So fun!

They had a blast adding the food coloring and stirring it up! Notice the green plates too ;)

Even though my 3 and 4 year old boys can't seem to open the play dough by themselves, my Sadie had that booger open in no time! Holy moly!

We've never really gotten into St. Paddy's Day before, but we needed a little something to do today and I thought it would be fun to go all out...of course I mean in Shockley style, which really isn't anything big.

We made green eggs (no ham) and green milk this morning. It was so much fun!

Even Sadie was impressed. Not really, she's just a happy girl!!!

This afternoon we get to see Mama G and we are so excited! It's always fun getting to play and visit with our birth moms. And with what we've been through in the last couple of weeks, it makes us even that much more thankful for the sacrifices made for our children to be in our home and family.

I've not been really open about all that's gone on with Kennedy's situation, and while I still don't want to go into great detail about it, we've continued to go through ups and downs with her placement. So many people have asked when we tell them that we don't have her, "Is there a chance that she could change her mind?" Yes. And one might think that would make this loss and pain a bit easier. But when that possibility drags on, it becomes quite unbearable. It's so hard to grieve the loss of a child that you think still might be yours one day. I find myself doing everything I can to not think of her.

There are reasons I am talking about this now. One, we would like to ask you for prayer for peace for all of us, C especially. We've felt it strong and we know God is still near to us. Second, we want others to know what this feels like, not for sympathy, but others that are thinking about adoption to understand the realities of it (both good and bad). Disrupted placements are not what you hear about in the media, but they do happen. And last, I've never felt more frustrated that Cooper's Law is not in effect. My heart is so heavy for what our birth mothers have to go through in our state as they choose adoption for their child.

One of my friends said to me last week, "How are you? And you don't have to lie to me." She has been through this herself and she knows all to often when people ask that, they don't necessarily want to hear that your wondering about your baby. Thank you Kim for being so ready to listen to my heart.

All in all, we are doing well. Each day seems to get better, but I have to say that the fact things have been in limbo have worn me out. Yesterday, we decided that we are moving on like this will not happen. Again, I don't want go into the details of it because I know you are wondering why we didn't do that last week!

I came upon this verse yesterday and it spoke volumes to my heart. Hope it does the same for you!

"We now have this light shining in our hearts, but we ourselves are like fragile clay jars containing this great treasure. This makes it clear that our great power is from God, not from ourselves. We are pressed on every side by troubles, but we are not crushed. We are perplexed, but not driven to despair. We are hunted down, but never abandoned by God. We get knocked down, but we are not destroyed." 2 Corinthians 4:7-9

**Check out Owen's ashy knees! Mercy! I love that Sadie loves necklaces and jewelry!!!**

Now what?

I am pretty sure some of you are thinking, so what happens now?

Well, our profile is back in the mix! So much of that is wonderful to know that it's a part of us moving forward. But I would be lying if I said that I am totally over this. It is hard when you get to cut their umbilical cord, watch them take their first breath, watch their first bath, smell them, kiss them, diaper and feed them. I have no idea what to do with 100 pics of her. Mercy, I can't imagine what a birth mom feels saying good-bye. We also got so excited about Sadie and the boys having another sister. I grew up with 3 older sisters and they are such treasures to me. They are my best friends to this day. I want that for Sadie.

But we are trusting that God knows what's best for Sadie, as well as all of us!

Our profile should go online with the agency in the next week or so.

We have still been talking with C in hopes that she understands we love her without condition. Even though we met her because of Kennedy, we want to support her and pray for her regardless of where Kennedy ends up. Please join us in praying for her, that she feels peace about her decision.

We hope and pray that in our efforts to share our adoption journey and the realities of it, that we haven't scared people off from joining us in this! I realize to so many that this looks scary, and perhaps a little insane. But from our perspective, even though we've experienced pain and loss, the blessings are overflowing and it is so worth the heartache and uncertainty. It is an incredible feeling to have Christ pick up the pieces, mend us and hold us. There are so many things that we've experienced this last week that we can't help but be thankful for...but nothing more than our faith and hope in Jesus.

I took the kids to Tulsa to see my family this last week thinking it would be a great distraction, and it was. It's amazing what talking will do for your soul. Thank you to my family and friends who allowed me to share the story, yet again. You have no idea how refreshing our time was with all of you!

We had so much fun playing with the kids. Okay, Grayson wasn't so much loving it at the moment!

Yea, I don't really fit on it...but those buggers are a blast! And they are wonderful therapy for the soul! SO HILARIOUS!

Thanks Becki for making me laugh! All of my sisters and my parents dropped everything to hang out with us! You all are the best!

Someone learned how to climb the stairs! OH NO! Doesn't she look mischievous?

Music has been so healing this week. This one has been particularly close to my heart as it's what got us through our time with Cooper's journey. Hope Natalie is okay with me sharing the words!

Who told us we’d be rescued

What has changed and

Why should we be saved from nightmares

We're asking why this happens to us

This is what it means to be held

How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life

And you survive

This is what it is to be loved and know

That the promise was when everything fell

We’d be held

Playing while we wait

Seriously, how cute are they??? Sadie LOVED her yogurt to dip her apples in. Yet another display of Owen's sweetness. He got his pillow and blankie and made a place for Sadie and Cooper to lay on while he pulled them. Below he is covering her and telling her she can chew on his blanket if she wants (that's what he does). I love how he's stooped down to talk to her.

I forget how much kids Sadie's age eat dirt!!! She is constantly eating grass, sand, leaves and such! Why in the world doesn't she do that with food? Is my cooking that bad?

Now if this doesn't capture the essence of childhood, I don't know what does. Shoes on backwards, sucker in, eyes closed and the smell of spring in the air. Not a care in the world!

Well, we couldn't have better weather these last several days. It's made waiting on Miss KK much easier!

We saw C yesterday afternoon and played at the park. It was so much fun that we stayed until 6! When the kids go to bed at 7, that's staying late! We came home to Blake cooking breakfast for dinner for all of us!

Needless to say, we are feeling incredibly blessed. We are soaking up every bit of this anticipation believing that Kennedy will come home to us. But we also know that it is very real that she may not.

It takes balance (and a lot of self talk!) to enjoy this time, and not give into fear of what ifs and how we will get our children and ourselves through that. But we also know, because we've had adoptions fall through before, that He is faithful and will never leave us. Only He knows the outcomes for Kennedy and our family. We keep going back to that baby that we lost before Sadie and how if we she had become a Shockley, then we wouldn't have sister. Whoa.

So today, we rest in the goodness of anticipating something so wonderful as new life. But we also wait knowing what C is about to experience. We realize that we don't "know" it as if we've been birth parents, but we know it because we've watched our birth moms walk it before. It's the most intense mix of emotions at the hospital, and you'd be cheating yourself and your child to not let yourself experience those fully. It's such a raw time, and yet so wonderful and sweet. I've told so many people how spiritual this process is, I feel the presence of Christ so heavily in those moments and we always walk away deeply changed.

Not so sure how she feels about getting this kiss, but it sure was cute! You are such a wonderful big bro Coop!

18 months and in awe

Sadie and Kynlee at the Science Museum yesterday.

Ky, I love your hair dude!

I love it when he lets me take his pic! You have such a sweet spirit about you Coop!

You couldn't say no to that face either, could you? Admit it!

She loves the clown wig. It cracks me up, but she really likes to wear it around. In fact, she wore it when the social worker came to do our home study last week! She's a hoot!

Happy 18 month birthday Sadie Cakes! We cannot believe that you are getting so big!

Sadie wears size 5 shoes, size 18 month clothes and is still in a size 2 diaper. She has 12 perfectly gappy teeth and all 4 of us wrapped around her pinky. She LOVES anything sweet, but is not really picky when it comes to food...she's just hardly ever hungry enough to get serious about eating. She definitely doesn't get that from me! Liking the sweets, perhaps...but Sadie just eats like a bird and that's not my style! She's pretty girly and loves stuffed animals, baby dolls and purses. She still likes to give a good growl and play with trucks and trains though. She has a new love for slides and swings, so we've been play in the back a lot on our swing set.

She has finally started talking more and we feel like she's developing more and more of her personality these last few weeks. She LOVES to catch your eye and make you smile. Even perfect strangers, she walks up to them and touches them and cuddles them. It can make for some awkward moments as I try to peel her off of people at the Omniplex. And at the same time, if someone gives her attention first, she gives you this evil look. Kinda like this...

It looks so mean, and people wonder why this sweetie can be so intense. But most of the time she is all smiles.

We've started rearranging everything to fit Miss Kennedy Kate into our lives! Isn't that a sweet name? Kennedy (although perhaps a tid more popular than we'd prefer) was on both C's name list and ours. So we thought it was perfect. Kate is after me. I can just hear us calling her "KK", but I think most of the time she'll be Kennedy. I just folded all of the bitty clothes and put them in her drawers in the girls' room. We are all SO excited to bring her home!

C is doing well. We've talked several times on the phone. She is pretty miserable and ready for things to move along. She is not going to be induced at this time and we don't expect a C-section. So we are just waiting for labor to start. As you can imagine I am sleeping right next to my phone. Our families have all stepped up to take care of our kids so that we can be there at the hospital with C. We feel like this is a dream and we need to pinch ourselves.

We've been blessed by so many wonderful friendships and family members that want to walk next to us in this journey. A dear friend had a wonderful idea to give C a duffel bag with her name on it to take to the hospital. I can't tell you how this touched me that people are not only praying for C, but want to bless her life the way she is blessing ours. Thank you Tickled Sew Pink for your heart! I know you are going to kill me for sharing what you did, but I just can't get over it. We are overwhelmed by these actions.

This is being the body of Christ, thank you for not only celebrating with us as we wait for Kennedy to arrive...but thank you for getting in the middle of this with us. Thank you for every prayer for C. Thank you for respecting her privacy and not asking a lot of questions. Thank you for trying to put yourself in her shoes and imagine what this week must be like knowing you are about to lose something so dear because you know it's what's best. Thank you will never be enough. We are humbled.

And...we're finished!

** Sadie helping fill out the application for her baby. I had to paint over the picture when I realized it wasn't something I wanted post on the Internet!!!**

Let the waiting begin.

We did our home study on Monday and I have to say it was the most fun yet. The agency has been crazy busy, so the director was the one who came out. She is so easy to talk to and she was the very first person who interviewed Blake and I almost 5 years ago when we started with Owen! What a wonderful support we have in her...she has taught us so much!

Our interviews are also complete and I took Sis in this morning so that they could fill out her paperwork. Your pediatrician has to sign off that the kids are taken care of health wise and brought in regularly and all. Good idea I think! If you can't take care of what you have, you should not have more!

So at nearly 18 months (eek, I can't believe our baby is 1.5 next week!!!) Sadie weighs in at a whopping 21.5 lbs (15th percentile)! And get this, she's 32 inches long (75th percentile)! What I wouldn't give for that body! How sad!!! Even though she's not really talking much, he assured me she is on track and "talking" we just don't understand it. The crazy thing is that at this age the boys were singing songs and having conversations with me, so I am a bit off on my ideas of what's normal. We hadn't been there for 5 minutes and he asked me if she was bossy! I laughed out loud! This guy is good and hit the nail on the head just by listening to her "talk".

I wish I could lick the icing for the cinnamon rolls and still be a stick!!!!

For those of you not familiar with domestic adoption, from here the agency shows our profile or Life book to those birth moms that fit our openness. Meaning, those that fit what child we are open to: race, open adoption, etc. Once she finds a family for her child, she lets the agency know and then they make "the call". The fact that the birth mom picks her family makes it a somewhat open adoption: she knows first names and some info about the adoptive family. From there it can be semi-open or fully open. Rarely, but sometimes a birth mom chooses to have a closed adoption and chooses not to meet the adoptive family. Our agency encourages (and so do we) semi-open or open adoptions for the health of everyone involved in the journey.

Going through this process again brings up so many wonderful memories of our journeys before. As we know that being picked does not assure us that child, we also know that God has carried us through it before...and He will again. He is faithful. We think about the baby we lost before Sadie and we know full well, had we taken her home, we would not have our Sadie bug! Whoa!

I feel like I never give updates on this guy. Oh how he melts my heart! This is an older picture, but so Owen!!! Today at Sadie's Dr.'s appt, the first thing he asked the nurse was if she was going to get a shot. When she kindly told him yes, he begged her not to do it. Then he begged the same of the Dr. After the Dr. left he tried to get us out of the room before the nurse returned. When I told him that Sadie would be fine and that she would only cry for a bit, he then hid in the corner so that he didn't have to watch her in pain. When the nurse returned, he jumped on the table with Sadie and got in her face telling her it would be okay. Then as she got her second shot he just started kissing her head and told her how brave she was. This is just one of the many examples of his kind and sensitive heart. He is so stinking thoughtful and sweet as could be! He is SO super excited about another baby!!! He often tells me how he thinks we should have 6!!!

Gymnastics

So this is something we never really do. We "tumble" at the science museum, but we just really don't take the kids to gymnastics often. My neice had her 3rd birthday party and not only had us to "nastics" but let Sadie use her leotard (is that what this is called?)

The boys loved it! Especially the foam pit! It was so good to see our Tulsa family if only for a short while.

I must say that Sadie looks so cute in this. Good thing she got my legs, huh? Just kidding, she got the legs I always dreamed of having!!!

She has some serious upper arm strength. Or maybe it's just that she's a string bean and not heavy!

For real? How blessed am I to get to stare at that face all day!?!?!

Papa working on bars with Owen.

She looks a bit concerned. I love her facial expressions. She's such a princess, I tell you what!

_____________________________________________

Kristy had some great questions about domestic agency adoption. She asked about some of the things I get asked all of the time: "So are you asking for a girl?"

Simple answer, nope! Our agency believes that just as when you carry a child, you can't choose sex, they do the same in adoption. You can put things like what ethnicity you are open to, or a child with drug/alcohol exposures, a child conceived in rape, etc.

It takes a lot of prayers to answer this sheet, but I have told many people that this sheet gives us the feel that we have some control over our adoption and our children when we really have none. When will we learn that?

Kristin, your comment was awesome and I can't say that I am perfect at waiting, but one thing that helps is to focus on something else. M sister and I during the last two adoptions have set our minds to training for runs/races. We don't really run, its more like scooting, but regardless we train for it and it's a wonderful distraction. I also try and remind myself each time I am down to pray for our birth mom and think of her situation. Reading adoption and parenting books is always a good distraction as well as catching up on albums and doing projects around the house. I also like getting our gift basket together for the hospital for the birth mom!!! Hope these ideas help. Pray, pray, pray!!! Chosen, our adoption ministry is going to form a "Waiting Families" small group that meets regularly! Isn't that a wonderful idea? You could search for one locally.

Special Dates

Ice cream at McDonald's!!!!! Such a treat!

This girl loves her some sweets!!!

Last week we got to see Momma G and Momma Mandy. I can't tell you how wonderful it is to be able to see both of them in the same day!

What's even cooler is the way our visits came about, and how incredible these mothers are to open their lives up to us. I saw on TV just this week where a birth mom asked her adult child that she had placed years before, to keep the adoption a secret until she could figure out how to tell her family. While I can completely (try to) understand how hard it must be to be open about something like placement, I have to be honest that I was completely devastated for that "child". On the day he finally found his first mother, he was again rejected by her. So hard. Again, I am not trying to undermine what birth moms go through, just so thankful our situations are different!

One thing that many people don't understand about adoption is how a person will forever feel strong connection for their birth family. Most (not all) yearn for a relationship with their birth family. Most people think that if a child is in a healthy, loving family, that they will never want to know more about their birth family and never feel the need for connection to them. That breaks my heart!!! But if you ask children how often they think about their birth family, it's daily.

So, you can see why I LOVE having relationships with these two. I think it helps our children to understand how loved they are to have two families. Not that they won't grieve their adoption as they grow up and understand it more, but I pray that already having that relationship in place will help.

On Tuesday we had arranged to have a date with Sadie's birth mom. As we were leaving Cooper piped up from the back that he wanted to "smoosh Mandy". I couldn't quite understand what he was trying to say, so it took us a minute to figure out that he wanted to love on his Mandy. Oh man...so sweet! Then Owen said, "Mom, you forgot to call my birth mom!" The truth is that I didn't, but was going to set that up another day. But I immediately texted her and told her what the boys had said. She was so cute and asked us to come by her work and give her some loving!!!

We only stayed for a couple minutes before the boys went bonkers! But it was incredible to feel such pride coming from her. It is SO obvious how proud she is of her decision, how much she loves all of us and wants us to be a part of her life.

So while I don't have pictures of their special time together, I did take some when we went to play at McDonald's. And I know you just really want to see my cute kids anyways!!!