Misunderstood

Geez Louise.  It's been so long since I've been on here I could hardly remember my password. 




















But alas, here I am needing to write.  Today marks one month that we've been open as an emergency foster home and have parenting 6 kids.  And well, I feel misunderstood.  I want to say certain things to people who ask, but then I think again and wonder what my words might sound like...so I don't.  I am wondering if this is a safe place to just get er done.  Get this all off my chest and not worry about what Joe Shmoe might think.  Thing is, the guy I am really living for already knows my thoughts before I utter a single word.  But I really want to honor Him with my life, and my mouth (and this silly blog).  So only read on if you can brace yourself for some honesty...

Truth is, this sucks.  It's harder than I ever imagined.  And yes, everyone warned me/us.  But truth is that I knew if I thought through it too long I wouldn't trust God that we were really supposed to do something like this.  Blake and I lay in bed at night wanting to scream "UNCLE!!!!!  We are done!  Can we please go back to our normal comfortable/overwhelmed with 4 small kids life?"  And as we wrestle with that idea I can't help but hear God say to me not to treasure my life here.  I feel like He keeps telling me that I have been way too comfortable for way too long.  I think of all of the kids in this world without parents or sleeping in a shelter/orphanage.  I think about our Tulsa county shelter that continues.to.be.over.capacity.  And then into my head pops that staggering statistic that 7:1 we've got this covered.  There are 160+million orphans worldwide, and conservatively 7 believers per every orphan.  Really?  That's disgusting!  We have made every excuse in the world not to obey His commands in the Bible to take care of the orphan...every excuse.  Not me, not now, we'll tithe, we'll support Compassion, but we just can't do that.  Surely He doesn't want me to be this uncomfortable?  Or wait.  Surely He doesn't want MILLIONS of His children as orphans or stuck in a system.  Maybe this is the cross He wanted us to take up?

So now you know my fear in talking about how hard this is.  I am currently begging people to join me in this journey, and at the same time literally desperate for Jesus to help me go on.  I have never needed Him so much.  I have never prayed this much in my life.  So then I think, well maybe this is right where I was meant to be all along, continuously seeking Him.  I feel like I was there after children 2 & 3...I mean, honestly I think any parent needs Jesus to be worth anything, but certainly when you outnumber yourself.  Then we add #4, then 5 & 6 and I can't quit singing "I need thee oh I need thee, every hour I need thee!"  Or Blake and I will take deep breathes and giggle out the words "I surrender all to Jesus, all to Him I freely give." 

Eeeek!  We got to see Mama Mandy and be encouraged by her and her precious girls.  So blessed to call them our family!









And some people look at me like, "Well just stop."  I don't feel like I have the choice.  I love Him, I gave Him my life.  He commanded we not turn our eyes and look the other direction from orphans.  And yet I did that comfortably for 33 years.  As I toy with the idea of jumping ship, scripture that I never knew I knew jumps into my head, snippets from all the books I read this past year beg me to keep pushing, and friends and family step up next to us and carry us to another day.  We've had said people just randomly give us meals, FREE babysitting, my parents arranged childcare at the church (I cried big fat tears), and our kids have said some of the sweetest things to remind us why we are here.  Please click on and read the text from Jen Hatmaker's book 7.  Another day that was incredibly rough, my friend text me this picture that she had just read.  And I just lost it.  I don't want to be Pollyanna either. 

I Cannot

I cannot keep my house clean...but I still try.

I cannot be the best wife ever, but I believe I am the best for Blake.  And dang...how I love and adore that man.

I cannot possibly be the mother my kids need me to be 100% of the time, but I do believe in a God who reaches across that gap and uses me just.how.I.am.

I believe in Phil 4:13 in a deeper way than I ever have before.  When I gave my heart to Jesus, HE MAKES ME ABLE.  When I daily rely on Him, He uses me just as I am.  Because I have nothing more than any other human being to bring to the table without Him. 

And I believe He has used these books to awaken my heart, to strengthen my walk with Him...to open my eyes to so much that I have chosen not to see.  I have known for years that God was asking us to do something with foster care, but we couldn't figure out what.  And its been through these books, that we have been challenged to see that we won't necessarily feel "a calling" to one certain thing.  That we may not feel "peace" about what God has put before us.  But He still asks us to do it.  He commands us to, in fact.  We don't need to have all the details worked out before we say YES.  We don't need to be able before stepping up.  Phil 4:13 says He makes us able.  He just wants us to come to Him and lay down our lives, our plans, our dreams, and know that He is worth it all.

These books have made me question so many things, and taken me to places of freedom in Christ that I have yearned for.  I have never felt so free in Him.  I am so thankful for where I am today, and I am more thankful for my precious husband than I think I have ever been.

But I also feel so much conflict with the world around me.  I see loads of Halloween candy and my heart breaks knowing how that candy got to our shelves in the grocery store.  Please, I beg you, read about forced child labor and slave labor regarding cocoa beans and every major American chocolate company that purchases these cocoa beans is full aware.  Please do not buy chocolate this Halloween!!!

I feel conflict with how much money is spent frivolously while so much of the world is dying of starvation.  I can't get past 26,000 dying daily from lack of food.  But I have peace in knowing that Blake and I can make choices to live differently, I just wish it didn't come with so much uproar from the world around us.  We are the weird parents.  I just pray they don't hate us for it, but rather know Jesus deeper because of it.

Last weekend I sat in church with a new lovie on my lap from the shelter.  She didn't want to leave me for big church, so her 6 year old self got right on my lap to take it in.  And.I.wept.  I cried out to Jesus during worship knowing He fully understands her precious situation, and why she is hurting...while I do not, I am the one physically holding her, kissing her, and begging for comfort thru Him for her.  Both her and her little sister ached for their mama all weekend, and I cried with them telling them I am so sorry that she is not here.  Taking them back to the shelter was enough to break me...her little body clung to me like a spider monkey and she bawled asking me not to leave her.  Two workers had to peel her off of me. 

As you might imagine, we've applied to be an emergency foster home through Child Share Circle of Care here in Tulsa.  Emergency is different than traditional foster care in that it is short term placement so that younger (birth-5 years) do not go to the shelter before finding long term foster placements.  I can't explain the rest this step has brought to my soul.  As overwhelmed as we are with 4 children, we still feel like God is asking us to trust Him and do this. 

This was done for a local church (our friends church) in plea for the church to step up and take this problem head on...


They are His Children from New Beginnings Church on Vimeo.

I cannot sit back any longer and wait for another day.  We are only promised today.  There will never be better timing.  There will always be something else....but I cannot sit still any longer.

Stir Crazy

I have been neglecting this little blog thing here.  But for good reason. 

God has moved something awful crazy in my heart.  My family thinks I need help. 

I am not a reader.  I rarely take the time to read anything, and sadly even reading the Bible had become blah.  (horribly sad to admit because of my deep love for Jesus). 

One of the more influential women in my life (Jen Hatmaker) wrote a couple of books.  And I had to read them because I love her and trust her. 

Well then that led to me finishing a book in 3 days which is UNHEARD of for me.  I usually get the the very end and then quit.  Wha?

So from June-now I have not been able to stop the constant reading.  She mentioned several books and other friends did too.  I am hungry again for words from Jesus, even if it takes these authors hitting me over the head with the reality that I have been ignoring some pretty big things. 

Here they are.  If you are needing a good read and are ready for something serious to happen in your heart, you cannot miss these. 

Radical- David Platt
Crazy Love-Francis Chan
Kisses from Katie-Katie Davis
Interrupted-Jen Hatmaker
7- Jen Hatmaker

I cannot think straight I am so conflicted with our life in America and the needs of those around us.  How did I become so comfortable with this?  How did I not see so many suffering and truly believe they are my responsibility?  How did I miss that in the Bible? 

I am ashamed.  I am disgusted.  I am achy.  I am stir crazy for wanting to DO SOMETHING.  And poor Blake has known all along that I am odd, but now I want to be really weird and actually do what Jesus asked us to do...lay down my life for Him. 

In the midst of all of this wrestling in my heart, we have gone full force into the foster care ministry with our new church.  We are floored by the needs in our community and state.  So two weekends ago we brought home 2 kids from the shelter for 3 nights over Labor Day weekend.  Our church got involved with DHS in a program called Home for the Holidays.  The idea is for faith families to become certified (approved?) to take children from the shelter for a holiday weekend.  We were honored to join 13 other families from our church in taking home 17 kiddos! 

It was such a great experience.  Don't get me wrong...it's wasn't convenient (we already have 4 lovies).  It wasn't comfortable.  It wasn't easy.  But hello believers...God never told us life would be any of those.  He kept whispering to me all weekend when I would get discouraged, "Life is not supposed to be comfortable sweets."  How have I let myself believe these lies for so long? 

As we drove the kids back to the shelter I was sick to my stomach.  Every child begged to not go back.  Not for lack of love, cleanliness and care there, but it's a shelter for heaven's sake!!!!  Kids belong in families.  And I didn't have any good reason why the kids couldn't stay (besides we needed more training to be certified).  I have room.  I have Jesus.  This weekend just felt like a band-aide for this gaping wound that was in my city.  The reality hit me that why do I not think that these children are just as much my children as the ones God has already blessed me with.  Didn't He say they are all His?  None of them are really "ours".




Please watch this amazing video.  Pray with me about what God has already asked us to do.  God doesn't call us...He already commanded us to do this.  When we give our hearts to Jesus, then we must do as He commands. 

Consider reading these books.  I beg it of my brothers and sisters. 

Kid Talk

Day 2 with all 6 kids went great! I kinda feel bad because having the kids here is pure entertainment for my kids. So it's been really fun these last few days. Today we went to the park for 2 hours, had a picnic for lunch, played tennis, kickball, football, hit the swings and then loaded up for the pool! And I thought I got looks before...today we had ages 10, 7, 6, 5, 3 and 21 months!

Today the kids were talking and the word "mom" came up. The lil guy D said, "are you talking about her (to me) or your real mom?" I responded, "I am the real mom D, but do you mean birth mom or first mom?" Cooper jumped in, "I have two real moms!" It was so neat for my kids to feel comfortable talking about our unique family to these two. And hopefully allow them to see that they aren't alone in their transition...more kids than they could shake a stick at have more than one mama! Then D said, "I have like 17 moms!" He's a hoot!

I can't find my camera (hmmm) so I am sharing some more pics from my parents visit!!! Enjoy!

Day 1

So...I found a new blog.

I linked it to my adoption buddies blog list. Get ready. It should stir you. Especially if you live in Oklahoma. Its The Fostering Hope Project.

I just can't shake this pull at my heart for our foster kids. And this has been pretty steady for about 4 years. I hear stories that more families are pursuing foster care certification, more than ever...and that OK state DHS adoption numbers are at a national high...and then I keep hearing this from friends that are social workers and from those on the inside: our shelters and foster homes are FULL.

Today was our day 1 with foster care support. We've done a few things here and there to support our foster family, but today was the first day we would really be helping with daytime care.

I am not telling this because I am wanting to toot my own horn. But I am telling you this because there is no family less qualified to do this than us. Do we have our hands full? YES! Do we act like complete hooligans and circus talent most moments of the day? YES! Do I talk to Jesus every hour asking for strength and patience? YES! Do my kids disobey? HOLY MOLY YES! But here's the great part. God does this. Not us. And when we realize that, miracles happen. Is this convenient? No. May this be painful? Yes. But what part of life worth living is without those two?

And I can't help but think...how many more families might step forward to be a foster parent if they knew that 5 families in their church would do it with them!?!? This might just be less isolating. A little less daunting. Not so emotionally draining. That is my prayer for our foster family!

Guess what? We had a fabulous day with our new friends. God worked miracles today....drumroll please...The house was clean when Blake got home! Shazaam!!! Thank you Jesus!

I Refuse...

Sometimes I just want to close my eyes
And act like everyone's alright
When I know they're not

This world needs God
But it's easier to stand and watch
I could say a prayer and just move on
Like nothing's wrong

But I refuse
'Cause I don't want to live like I don't care
I don't want to say another empty prayer
Oh, I refuse

To sit around and wait for someone else
To do what God has called me to do myself
Oh, I could choose
Not to move but I refuse

I can hear the least of these
Crying out so desperately
And I know we are the hands and feet
Of You, oh God

So, if You say move
It's time for me to follow through
And do what I was made to do
Show them who You are



I hope you've heard this song...it so speaks of what my heart feels about our love for Jesus and our lives being lived out for Him. We cannot say we belong to Jesus and then live a life that resembles nothing of Him. If we do, then our hearts aren't truly His, right?

I thought of this song as I read a new link on our adoption agencies website. I hope you will take a second to read this...it's heart breaking and at the same time shows that we all need to say "I REFUSE" to sit here any longer. Did you know that even with all of the adoptions that we hear about and take place worldwide, that 14,050,000 children remain orphans and age out of the system every year!

God use me. Break me. Remind us that this life is not mine, but yours. Any fears we have about what you might be calling us to is not from you...for you do not give us a spirit of fear.

I am adopted

I love the adoption community. I feel like I've been rather plucked out of it here in the ATL. But, thank you Jesus for using facebook...I can keep my heart intertwined to those I have grown to love that share this passion.

I have "met" people that I never would have through adoption/orphan care ministries, adoption support groups, waiting mom's coffee groups, and yes...even facebook. It's amazing the support and encouragement there is out there if you just search for it.

I saw something a week ago that captured my heart and hasn't left my mind. It's a bold prayer that verbalizes THE reason more of us don't step forward into foster care and adoption. We forget who we are. Read this that was posted by a friend who is a mother in the beginning stages of foster care...

"Today I am thankful for God's adoption of me into his family. He looked at my life's file and saw all the selfishness, and anger and ugliness of my past and present, and he still chose to pursue spending eternity unconditionally loving me as his child. I pray he will give me the strength, grace and mercy to do the same."

If I had a nickle for every time someone told me they would LOVE to foster care/adopt, BUT...

This mom understands that SHE cannot do any of this without HER FATHER. None of us can, but we often forget that. She is no more equipped or ready than the rest of us. But she fully grasps that God can and will use her right where she is. Our lives are about HIM and not us.

Lord, please help us to understand that you died on the cross and forgave us of our sins so that we may live in FREEDOM!!! Not fear. Open our eyes Lord to the many excuses we give you for not obeying you...help us to see that for what it is. Fear. We aren't fully trusting you with every part of us; be it finances, our family, our entertainment, or our hearts. Remind us daily that you adopted us, fully aware of how messed up and needy we are. You took us and called us YOURS knowing we had special needs and that we would hurt your other children. And you did nothing but receive us time and time again with open arms. May we do the same.

Please join me in praying for Joe and Carrie pictured above. They currently have 3children and they are hoping to meet their 4 foster children this week.

Children of God

I am sorry I keep posting videos. But I just can't say it anymore powerful than these people do. I am not good getting out what's on my heart.

I so badly want to be able to do something...and I think that there is an opportunity with our church. I am so excited to see what happens. They have a program called Fostering Together. Their goal is to not only provide more homes for foster children, but allow the church to better support these foster families so that they not only survive the process, but want to continue to foster. We are not going to foster, but we can be a support family to a family already fostering. We can help with daytime care for them!

We still have to be approved and go through fingerprints and background checks and all, but it's just so exciting! After all is good to go they will match us up with a family. We'll keep you posted!

Show Hope

We Have No Choice

Bold statements here. God calls us to this. We have been made aware. And we have no choice but to do something.

"We should be leading the change on this, it's what Jesus calls us to do."

24,000

24,000 young adults age out of the foster care system every year...with no one to call their family.





If not you, then who will?

The Perfect Morning

This morning all munchkins slept in until 6:30! Then one by one, the bigs all piled into our bed. Blake and I smiled at each other, turned on cartoons and enjoyed the cuddles. And then we heard squeals from Emery's room. We all giggled it was like she knew something was happening without her. Off Owen ran and plucked her from her crib. She rules the roost when it comes to mama. She wants to be the one closest to me. So she climbed right on my chest, fanny in my face and watched cartoons with her big brothers and sister. I can't help but just love it. Oh how full my heart is.

Thursday was a fun day because I surprised the kids with slushes at Quiktrip. When I asked to take a pic, this is what I got. Look at those expressions! Oh my word!! They crack me up!

Look at Lil Bit. She is 16 months people! Yes. Her mama gave her HER OWN smoothie. I know. Tisk tisk. But look at the excitement on her face. Priceless.I think Sadie's smile says "thank you", don't you? I wouldn't let them get in the car until all pink slushy drinks were consumed or in the trash....so they climbed on it. Here she is a bit earlier as we were picking up Owen after school. She found the bag of popcorn for snack and started running with it. I was laughing so hard I could hardly snap the picture. Wrestle mania is one of our favorites...so is Tickle Monster. Emery has learned how to jump on daddy too. In fact, this night she saw Blake roughing Cooper and she walked up to him and slapped his face...hard and gave him the stink-eye. I love it!

With all of these sweet moments with the kids, the smells and sounds of fall, and the beautiful things happening in nature to remind us of God's power...I just can't help but think of foster kids. These videos I've found just linger in my mind and heart. I can't begin to imagine what it must feel like to be that alone. I am a strong, independent, deeply loved woman and I have felt alone here in this new city. And I am a well-adjusted 32 year old lover of Jesus. So being 4 and ripped from my home then shuffled from one home to the next is more than I can wrap my head around. Please pray for our system...pray for loving people to step forward.

1 in 5

Listen closely...please take 5 minutes to watch this.

1 in 5 children in foster care will age out of the system without a family or a home.

My Plate is Full

For the last several months I have been letting things slip.

I felt like I had good reason to not be the most responsible volunteer because of what was happening within our family. But now I have slowly tried to pick back up some of these duties.

It's amazing the balance it takes to soak in every second of life with Blake and the kids, and yet also live out my faith. Sometimes I say yes to things I shouldn't, and no too quickly because it's not comfortable to me. I am sure I'm not the only human that struggles with this, but it's been heavy on my heart lately.

SO, in May I have been playing catch up. We've been in touch with my Lil Sis in BB/BS, but we finally got to see her last week! It was so much fun! She had never met Sadie and Cooper was only a little guy (like 3 months) when we saw her last. This was such a wonderful time for me and the kids!

We met Little Blake (how funny that her name is Blake too!) when she was getting ready to turn 11...she is 17 now! Holy cow how time flies!

I just wish she was happy.

I've found great comfort and joy to be a part of the Waiting Mamas Group through Chosen! We meet every Monday night for coffee and just to check in and see how everyone is coping with the wait! Oh man...this has been wonderful for me! There are about 6 of us, so it's nice and intimate.

I finally planned another Kaleidoscope Kids play date for this weekend! This is our playgroup for families of trans racial adoption! We try and get together monthly, but someone has let this thing go too!!! Eeeeek! If you want to come just email and I will send you the details. mollykshockley@hotmail.com

May is also Foster Care Awareness Month. Chosen has had its fair share of loss within several of our families, so we've been kinda laying low and not taking on more than we can all handle. BUT, we have decided that we can at least pray for these pumpkins currently in our system! Chosen has enjoyed working with about 12 other churches in our city to make a bigger affect for the fatherless. This week we are all wearing bracelets with the first name and age of a child as a reminder to pray. Cooper is even wearing one...so sweet!

One thing that has been a huge relief for me....I am now officially a FULL TIME stay-at-home mom!!! I found out last week that because of the health care reform our hospital is trying to cut back and save money, and our department was cut almost completely. So, while this is very sad for people in our area with diabetes, as well as the other women I worked with...it was a relief for me! When I excitedly told Blake the news he said, "Now you can get that floor job you've always wanted!"

Punk.

Some of you don't know that I am the ONLY registered nurse who can't handle blood. Yep. You read that right. If it's squirting, it's guaranteed that I will be sheet white and on the ground in seconds. I went straight from nursing school into diabetes education (talking job, minimal blood). So Blake was just being a punk with his comment.

We are continuing to pray about another baby. While we still feel like there might be another child for us, we also know that things are getting ready to change drastically for our family. We have been waiting now for 2 months, and we will be pulling our profile in the next month if we haven't been picked. It takes about 8 months to finalize, and we are moving to Aspen in February (you do the math). We are trying to prepare our hearts and heads that we might not have #4, but also be ready for whatever God has planned for us and receive that with great joy and thanksgiving. We have already been blessed abundantly, I think you'd agree.

We've had some crappy weather lately in Oklahoma. This is us hiding out in the laundry room waiting for a tornado to pass. I grew up doing this, so it doesn't stress me out. We like to have snacks and watch a movie. I thought the helmets was a clever idea to protect the head. Of course they made me put one on too. I only release that photo for money. So you'll just have to imagine it.

So there you have it. That what's been keeping this momma busy!

We are the body

But if we are the body

Why aren't His arms reaching?

Why aren't His hands healing?

Why aren't His words teaching?

And if we are the body

Why aren't His feet going?

Why is His love not showing them there is a way?

There is a way

**This is one of my favorite Casting Crowns songs**

__________________________________________

I had to share something that you wouldn't see if I didn't take pictures of it.

I wanted to thank you all for praying for and providing for these children that are without a family.

I had to share how you are being the body of Christ by loving on the littlest of His children.

Each child got at least 10 outfits, a bible, a dvd, toys, backpack, laundry basket, blankets, flip flops, books, and a wrapped present. That's just what I can remember!

The other great news is that 5 families have contacted me in the interest of adopting them. Does that give you chills?

What makes me even more excited is that it means that 5 couples have opened their hearts to adoption and that just thrills me to pieces. Our 10,000 kids in OK foster care might be dwindling as we strive to become more active as the body of Christ.

Thank you for the prayers. Please continue to keep these children in your heart as I am sure they still have a long road in front of them. Thank you to the families who gave so generously to these children!

Baby steps (and lots more)...

I have to document that our sweet Sadie Skielar walked 4 steps on Friday!

After she sat down she turned right around and did another 2.

She's not done much since then but one or two with quite a bit of encouragement, so I don't think this is actually walking...but we are getting close!

She is eating like she has never eaten before and I am sure it's because she's more active...but it's almost funny how much she can eat. She loves Nutri-grain bars, Ritz crackers, bananas, green beans, carrots, graham crackers and grilled cheese. And thanks to Papa Max she had her first Cheetos on Sunday, she loved it of course (who doesn't?). All of this with still not a single tooth! It's quite funny to watch and we get a lot of stares in public giving this toothless bitty baby such big people food!

She has started shaking her head no and when I told her not to eat my flowers (above) on Friday and kept her from pulling them, she let me know she didn't agree with a big grunt as she yanked her hand out from mine.

Speaking of baby steps...Cooper has taken a sudden interest in the potty again. I know I am going to regret saying that because it's only been a matter of hours, but at this point I will take it! It really wouldn't be that big of a deal but he hates his diapers and is so frustrated that he has to wear them! Ah, this is so sad the time I spend thinking about bodily function and who's pooped today!
Owen overjoyed at the fact that he's at "Old McDonald's" as he calls it. On Friday we saw Mandy for the first time in years. As you know, we have an open adoption, but it mostly consists of phonecalls, emails and pictures. I had the joy of taking Mandy to lunch by myself the week of Mother's Day and we planned to get together as a family. We planned it so that we could meet for her birthday. The boys were ecstatic to say the least. They have not quit talking about it and it's been so fun to talk with them about how much she loves them. For kids this age, it's so hard to understand what adoption means besides that they didn't grow in my belly. So, it was so good for opening up more conversation since it's on their mind. I got lots of really great pictures, but am going to keep those private for the boys until they choose to share them. They stared at them all morning long...so precious!

The Shockleys HEART open adoption!

Speaking of open adoption and birthmoms, we still have the pleasure of seeing Momma G at least once a month. We are so blessed that she is close and that we can see her often. She is doing really well and thanks to all of you that have prayed for her faith. She is attending church and we are beyond blessed that she found a church she feels welcome and loved at!

Blake, poor Blake. We have this joke in our house when things get rough with work. I always tell him that he was warned by everyone how hard this would be and that he chose this. I know, I am so nice, huh? Very supportive wife, right? Here's the good news, he's almost finished with his 3rd year and will start year 4 of 5 on July 1st. Three down and 2 to go, I'd say that's something to celebrate! Another bit of good news is that the hospital that he is going to in Aspen is trying to find us a 2 bedroom apartment so that we can all go together! We are super excited. Quite frankly the idea of spending 11 weeks without Blake was more than I could swallow. I was just trying not to think about it. We'll keep you updated because I know you are on the edge of your seat about this! HA!

One last thing. If you could, and if you don't follow our POA blog...we have a huge need there. There is a sibling group of 3 in our community that has lost everything they have. Not only are they orphans, but they have also lost all they once called their own. Please jump over to our other blog if you are willing to pray for these kids and maybe even donate something to our goody bags for these children (ages 5, 7, and 9). If you know of a family that is open to adoption, please send them to our blog. These children need their forever family to show them the love of Christ. Until we have someone step forward we are going to do all we can to show them they are loved, valued and not forgotten.