Misunderstood

Geez Louise.  It's been so long since I've been on here I could hardly remember my password. 




















But alas, here I am needing to write.  Today marks one month that we've been open as an emergency foster home and have parenting 6 kids.  And well, I feel misunderstood.  I want to say certain things to people who ask, but then I think again and wonder what my words might sound like...so I don't.  I am wondering if this is a safe place to just get er done.  Get this all off my chest and not worry about what Joe Shmoe might think.  Thing is, the guy I am really living for already knows my thoughts before I utter a single word.  But I really want to honor Him with my life, and my mouth (and this silly blog).  So only read on if you can brace yourself for some honesty...

Truth is, this sucks.  It's harder than I ever imagined.  And yes, everyone warned me/us.  But truth is that I knew if I thought through it too long I wouldn't trust God that we were really supposed to do something like this.  Blake and I lay in bed at night wanting to scream "UNCLE!!!!!  We are done!  Can we please go back to our normal comfortable/overwhelmed with 4 small kids life?"  And as we wrestle with that idea I can't help but hear God say to me not to treasure my life here.  I feel like He keeps telling me that I have been way too comfortable for way too long.  I think of all of the kids in this world without parents or sleeping in a shelter/orphanage.  I think about our Tulsa county shelter that continues.to.be.over.capacity.  And then into my head pops that staggering statistic that 7:1 we've got this covered.  There are 160+million orphans worldwide, and conservatively 7 believers per every orphan.  Really?  That's disgusting!  We have made every excuse in the world not to obey His commands in the Bible to take care of the orphan...every excuse.  Not me, not now, we'll tithe, we'll support Compassion, but we just can't do that.  Surely He doesn't want me to be this uncomfortable?  Or wait.  Surely He doesn't want MILLIONS of His children as orphans or stuck in a system.  Maybe this is the cross He wanted us to take up?

So now you know my fear in talking about how hard this is.  I am currently begging people to join me in this journey, and at the same time literally desperate for Jesus to help me go on.  I have never needed Him so much.  I have never prayed this much in my life.  So then I think, well maybe this is right where I was meant to be all along, continuously seeking Him.  I feel like I was there after children 2 & 3...I mean, honestly I think any parent needs Jesus to be worth anything, but certainly when you outnumber yourself.  Then we add #4, then 5 & 6 and I can't quit singing "I need thee oh I need thee, every hour I need thee!"  Or Blake and I will take deep breathes and giggle out the words "I surrender all to Jesus, all to Him I freely give." 

Eeeek!  We got to see Mama Mandy and be encouraged by her and her precious girls.  So blessed to call them our family!









And some people look at me like, "Well just stop."  I don't feel like I have the choice.  I love Him, I gave Him my life.  He commanded we not turn our eyes and look the other direction from orphans.  And yet I did that comfortably for 33 years.  As I toy with the idea of jumping ship, scripture that I never knew I knew jumps into my head, snippets from all the books I read this past year beg me to keep pushing, and friends and family step up next to us and carry us to another day.  We've had said people just randomly give us meals, FREE babysitting, my parents arranged childcare at the church (I cried big fat tears), and our kids have said some of the sweetest things to remind us why we are here.  Please click on and read the text from Jen Hatmaker's book 7.  Another day that was incredibly rough, my friend text me this picture that she had just read.  And I just lost it.  I don't want to be Pollyanna either.