"So promise me you'll never forget...that you aren't an accident or an incident...you are a gift to the world, a divine work of art, signed by God. You were deliberately planned, specifically gifted, and lovingly positioned on this earth...Flooded by emotion, overcome by pride, the Starmaker turns to us, one by one, and says, 'You are my child. I love you dearly.'" Max Lucado, God Thinks You're Wonderful

Thursday, April 22, 2010

I'm A Mess...well not really

I will just admit it. I have been in such a funk this week. It's made me mad. I am a happy girl. I love to giggle and be giddy. And it's hit me hard this week, the loss of Kennedy.

Funny, huh? That it took two weeks to set in. I think part of it is that I've been in denial. That awful thing that cycles through my brain about "what if he changes his mind". This has to be the hardest part about failed placements. There is no end to the wondering of how your child is. Yes, you place them in God's hands and trust that He will protect them. But this is a fallen world and people make choices and mistakes and children all too often deal with the consequences of that. If you've read Shack, you clearly understand that God doesn't always intervene to protect us, even children. I mean, we all know that, but that book just taught me so much more about what we are going through. And I know that I read it in January because God knew I would need those thoughts ever so fresh on my mind today.

God wants me to feel His deep and endless love for my family and for Kennedy. The David Crowder Band song How He Loves just keeps coming to my mind over and over...I love thinking about these words:
"And oh, how He loves us so
Oh how He loves us
How He loves us all
Yeah, He loves us"

He wants me to find deeper relationship with Him in this. I have been frustrated with my allowing sad thoughts to capture my mind in the quiet. Because truly things have been incredible...how could they not be? Chin.up.girl!

It's been the little things. We got her insurance card in the mail the other day. Her name looks so stinking cute all printed out with our last name. Ugh. I finally took the embroidering off her diaper bag and duffle bag. I am glad I did it, but whoa!!! It took hours of me just staring at her sweet name...just thinking about and praying for her.

But I know that this is a corner that needs to be passed, and with time and pursuing God in these moments...our hearts will continue to heal. C has asked some wonderful questions about our faith and beliefs. She is keeping in touch with us through text and it is SO good for my heart. She is beyond precious and she wants the best for us and is praying for us. How incredible is that? See...why am I sittin in this pit?

The rough spots have been passing, and honestly most of the time I am chipper and not faking it. We've been getting out to the zoo and science museum so that's helped a ton!
They all LOVE this water table!

You gotta love a place that lets kids get on the exhibits! Notice how long our "baby" is? Mercy!

Notice how much she loves the puppet I am showing her, and then below how quickly she gets made because she can't get the thing off the stick to play with it! She is one committed little girl! Sadie found her sweet face in the mirror and she loved painting it!
She is smiling because I was telling her not to drink the water!

Oh man...I love that smile! He cracks me up!

This week I even took Sadie and Cooper to their well child visits we missed when we were in Aspen. Aren't these cute pics? They are SO cute together and like besties when O is not there. It's funny how dynamics change when one is away! Sadie got shots and actually kicked the nurse after she let her up! I was embarrassed but laughing at the same time. This little girl is a pistol!!!!


Melodie said...

you know i love that song! and i'm glad it's providing comfort right now. sadie's hair is looking great! love her cute bow. and i love that she kicked the nurse. oops! that made me laugh.

TnT said...

Hi Molly,
Thank you so much for sharing your journey in adoption! I stumbled upon your blog from another adoption blog a friend sent me when she heard we were adopting. Anyway, My husband and I live in Houston and started the adoption process in January. We are currently waiting for our home study, which our agency predicted would be in May. After that they will be able to show our profile to birthmoms. Your honesty does not scare us from what can happen, but encourages us to know that God is going to be working through this whole process no matter the outcome. Your words help tenderize our hearts toward our future birthmom and the issues she will face. Anyway, I just wanted to tell you thank you for being vulnerable. I have learned so much through all you have shared. Your family is in my prayers today!

Kara said...

I can only imagine your struggle! But I am so thankful you are sharing it with others! I pray for you each time I pass the fridge, where your picture is! Love to you friend!

Kristy said...

I think it is really good you are allowing yourself the grieving process. Ok your kids are so stinkin cute!!! And that Sadie well you know we could prearrange a marriage ahead of time with my Aaron their both strong headed LOL, ok need to come by and get my journal sometime whenever is good

Betty S. said...

thank you for sharing and we will continue to pray for healing of your heart. your kids are so adorable . love ya my friend.

Dr. Erin and Mr. Heath said...

Oh girl, you just typed out the same struggles I've been having lately. As things started to look bad in regards to Sam, I've really struggled with the thought that although God loves Sam so much more than I know, it's not a garauntee that he'll be protected. I wanted to find comfort in the fact that Sam would be okay regardless of what happens, but I know that isn't always true in this world. I see the effects of these parents' bad choices every day. It's heartbreaking.
I'm still praying for your family and I know that God has BIG things in store. Your little ones are absolutely beautiful - I'm so glad you have their sweet smiles to help lift your spirits every day.