"So promise me you'll never forget...that you aren't an accident or an incident...you are a gift to the world, a divine work of art, signed by God. You were deliberately planned, specifically gifted, and lovingly positioned on this earth...Flooded by emotion, overcome by pride, the Starmaker turns to us, one by one, and says, 'You are my child. I love you dearly.'" Max Lucado, God Thinks You're Wonderful

Saturday, March 20, 2010

Being Totally Honest

This week has actually been really good. I have felt that ever since Tuesday's turn around, things have just been getting easier and easier and God has so healed my heart.
We had a wonderful play date on Thursday and one of my sisters, Becki, her kids and my Grandy came to meet us at the zoo. It was a blast.
Grandy pushing Sadie on the swing at the zoo! I have to brag here, Grandy just turned 89 and spent all morning with us at the zoo! She amazes me, I forget her age and what most 89 year olds are doing!Cooper pushing Sadie and Grandy pushing cousin Ragon! We had so much fun and you'll see below that Aunt Becki spoiled us by buying the kids tokens for the rides!
Sadie even got to ride on the train! So much fun...her hands don't just look huge, they ARE huge!
What a treasure to have family close enough that they can come and play for a day!

Friday was pretty fabulous because of the weather. We stayed outside most of the day and even had a picnic!
And then there was Saturday. Ugh. It kept hitting me all day that Kennedy was 2 weeks old. I kept having to pray and remind myself that God is in complete control and it does me no good to focus on it. It was just a day that it was a battle for me to keep my spirits up. The weather was yuck here so it didn't help that we couldn't be outside playing.

Blake was a pumpkin though. We slept in and when we finally made it out of bed (8:00) he made us all waffles. Then he made my heart smile by riding around the house on the plasma car. He wouldn't let me take a picture of him, but oh how funny it was! Poor guy, his whole life is blogged and he has to request that certain things not be photographed and put on the Internet...sorry sweets! Sadie loves playing basketball too!!! See how long her legs and arms are too?!?!

I find myself wondering how normal this is...to still be talking about it two weeks later. There is no handbook on how to handle failed placements, when to move on and not hope she'll change her mind. We've been through this before, so one might think we'd know how to do this...but those situations were different. Our last one we never met birth mom or baby. We planned on placement for about a month, so that dream was lost...but goodness its been harder that we knew C and love both her and Kennedy.

Sorry to go on about it here, but quite frankly it's great to be able to get this out and journal what's going on in my head.

Today was wonderful getting to go to church and refocus my heart back where it should have been yesterday. We are so blessed by our church family!

"You're blessed when you feel you've lost what is most dear to you. Only then can you be embraced by the One most dear to you." Matt 5:4 The Message


Paul said...

Hi. You don't know me--but I found your blog through Kara's blog. I met her at on a message board a few years ago.

I too, am a mom through adoption. We have 4 beautiful God given children placed by courageous birthmoms.
Our first adoption was our "failed" or "interupted" adoption. Sophie Grace was born and we took her home and then the birth parents decided they wanted her back. I still have her picture in my bible&still at times want to talk about her. She was ours for a brief time, but for that time she was our child. I still pray for and wonder how she is and how her parents are. I don't think there is "normal" in dealing with this type of loss. I do know that we would not have our Jack if Sophie would have stayed and even though I don't understand why it had to happen the way it did, I can't imagine life without Jack. I did ask God if He could please spare us going through this again. So I pray you have people who will listen as you talk about her. I will continue to pray for your family that GOd's will be done.
p.s. it was 9 years ago that we had Sophie--so for me I will probably never quit thinking about her or praying for her--but it is not with the sorrow we had when it first happened. God will heal your heart!!

danielle said...

praying for you and your family!! and i am pretty sure sadie will be quite the little athlete!!! she is TOO cute!

mom2many said...

It's okay...I was still thinking about Emma six months later...it's fine. "But blessed is the man who trusts in the LORD, whose confidence is in him. He will be like a tree planted by the water that sends out its roots by the stream. It does not fear when heat comes; its leaves are always green. It has no worries in a year of drought and never fails to bear fruit.” (Jeremiah 17:7-8)

Melodie said...

So glad that I am still sort of in the loop from a distance. So thanks for sharing your heart. I remember knowing that our profile was being shown to Paxton's birthmom. And the longer we waited to find out if she had chosen us the more my stomach sickened. Over a few days I had somehow adjusted to the idea of life with 2babies, and though we had never even seen his face, I knew deep down I would be disappointed if we weren't chosen to be his family. All of that to say, I can't imagine, being chosen, being present for the birth, seeing that beautiful baby girl and then it all suddenly changing. I have no idea of this experience you all have walked through. But I am watching you do it with grace. And I am so proud of you guys! Still hurting for you. I know it can't be easy on your heart. Love you girl! Thanks for your honesty.

Richele said...

you aren't alone with your heavy heart - and you will continue to pray for and wonder about kennedy. and it is a-ok.

i don't comment often - but i enjoy reading about your days. i get inspired by the love you show for your kids and husband.

Sara S. said...

Hello Molly! I am not sure if you remember meeting me at Krista and Scott's wedding or not. I was one of her bridesmaid and old friends from when we were younger. Anyway, I got to your blog through hers, and I have just spent quite a while reading all your posts. I cried! What a beautiful testimony your family is to what it means to love Jesus and follow Him whole-heartedly no matter the cost. I will be praying for you and your sweet family during this very difficult time. Your children are beautiful and I am so glad that God chose you and your husband to raise them. I work at orphanage in Guatemala currently. I am in the process of adopting a 4 year old and we are also house parents to 14 teenage girls...trying to be Mommy and Daddy to them even if it is only for a little while. Thanks for sharing your journey. Blessings to you all...